Chapter 5: Meeting Difficulties Constructively 1. Disagreements

Differences in a family are differences within a unity. The united mind of the two is wiser than the mind of either individual. Each can learn from the other, and when disagreements occur both should work back from the particular difference to the essential harmony which unites. A marriage is not like a debating society, in which the aim is to win out against the other side, but a team in which the two need to learn how best to pull together.

Characters do not change magically at the marriage altar, and any two people who establish a home together take into it some roots of disagreement. When such disagreements arise they should not take them too seriously, nor should one resent the fact that the other has a different point of view.

These differences may become stepping stones to finer adjustments or they may be turned into occasions of petty quarreling. In the latter case the two exhaust themselves by pulling against each other. Don't keep your mate on the defensive.

The strength of marriage is in harmony. Mere determination to carry one's point and to "see who is boss," is a form of pride and selfishness. But as the love of dominating others is a weakness quite common to human nature the married person must guard against it. A person with an extreme love of argument must keep this under control, unless both can take pleasure in debate and come out happier. A great danger is for a partner who loves arguments to keep them going with a mate who dislikes such experiences. One form of this is nagging, a thing which nobody likes.

However unreasonable the mate's position may seem he cannot change his point of view on command. When conflict comes each should be big enough to think somewhat like this: "Although my mate's point of view seems wrong to me, yet his way of thinking must be important to him. We must work out a better understanding."

In a quarrel it is not usually a case of one fully right and the other all wrong, but both seeing a question somewhat out of perspective because they are excited about it. By letting it rest a little each should presently get more insight into the merits of the position of the other, and a little less cocksureness about his own position.

When an argument arises if both will take the position of objective observers, asking what is happening and why, the situation will sometimes look ridiculous and both can laugh together. At other times the issue will be a real one but better met by further study of the question than by the clash of antagonism.

Disagreements area part of the common experience of humanity, married or single. Many of them arise because people misunderstand one another, because they take some word or act in a way that was never intended, or because they are over sensitive. Most dashes are preventable, especially in marriage. It has been said that nine-tenths of human misery is mere nonsense. Equally it should be realized that most of the things that cause difficulty in the home are trivial in comparison with the great things which the husband and wife have in common.

The late Dr. Ernest R. Groves, who helped many thousands of families to a finer success, advised the young wife to try to work out of every spat into a fuller appreciation of her husband's needs, to learn to look for his reasons and to make herself big enough to understand and tolerate them. Then, of course he gave similar advice to young men.

Permanent differences in temperament and outlook may be accepted in the realization that there are deeper joys and harmonies which more than compensate. Couples should look upon their differences as part of the exquisitely delicate adjustment that human personality requires. Among the finest marriages are some in which really difficult adjustments are made for the sake of a higher unity.