The marriage service takes a variety of forms. The following is a modification of the Episcopal service:
At the time appointed for the marriage ceremony the persons to be united shall stand before the minister, the man at the right hand of the woman, and the minister shall say:
Dearly Beloved: We are gathered together in the sight of God and in the face of this company to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony which is ordained of God, blessed by his favor, and to be held in honor among all men. Our Savior, having blessed a marriage ceremony by his presence, said that a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife and they two shall be one flesh.
As one in a union of heart, mind and body they are to live in mutual esteem and forbearance, and in wholehearted love for each other; they are to help and comfort each other, to provide for each other, as is fitting, in material things, and to help each other and pray for each other as heirs together of the grace of life.
If any here present knows any just cause why these two may not be lawfully joined together, let him now speak, or else forever after hold his peace.
Then the minister shall say Let us pray. He may use the following prayer, or whatever prayer he finds best.
0 God, our Eternal Father, Giver of the love which binds man and woman together in marriage, we pray that these thy servants may be truly united in this holy estate. Help them to grow into a new state of mind and heart fitting their new relationship. Sustain them by thy divine grace that they may establish a home in which thy love for them and their love for each other shall give them fulness of joy. Be with them as they live together in this holy bond, from this time forth, and through all their days, through Jesus Christ, our Lord.
Then the minister shall say to the man, calling him by his Christian name:
__________, will you take this woman to be your wedded wife, to live together in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, and forsaking all others, keep you only unto her so long as you both shall live?
The man shall answer, I will.
Then the minister shall say to the woman, calling her by her Christian name:
__________, will you take this man to be your wedded husband to live together in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, and
forsaking all others, keep you only unto him so long as you both shall live?
The woman shall say, I will.
Then the minister shall say:
Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?
Then the father (or friend) shall say, I, or by a sign, or by putting the hand of the bride into that of the minister, shall give her away.
The minister, receiving the right hand of the woman, shall place it in the right hand of the man. Then, as instructed by the minister, the man shall say:
I, __________, take thee, __________,to be my wedded wife, from
this time forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death us do part, and thereto I plight thee my troth.
Then the woman shall take the right hand of the man and as instructed by the minister, shall say:
I, __________, take thee, __________, to be my wedded husband from this time forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death us do part, and thereto I give thee my troth.
Then the best man or other person appointed shall put a ring in the hand of the minister and the minister shall say:
This ring is a symbol of a love which is complete, beautiful, and endless. May God help you to make your love perfect and eternal.
Then the minister shall deliver the ring to the man, and the man, putting it on the third finger of the woman's left hand, shall say:
With this ring I thee wed, and with all that I am and all that I have I thee endow: in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost.
If it is a double ring ceremony the woman shall place the ring on the man's finger, and shall repeat the same words, as instructed by the minister.
Following this the minister shall say:
Forasmuch as __________ and __________ have consented together in holy wedlock, and have witnessed the same before God and this company, and have pledged their faith each to the other, by the authority that is committed unto me, I pronounce them husband and wife. Whom therefore God bath joined together let no man put asunder.
Chapter 8: Pathways to Spiritual Harmony 3. Prayer in the Home
Prayers for the home should be as deep and as inclusive as its hopes, joys, sorrows, struggles and triumphs. On occasion the members will wholeheartedly in connection with some special need. The pair who really learn to pray will be able to lay hold on sources of power and of understanding greater than their own, and to gain for their home something of the strength and serenity of the kingdom of God.
Jesus, giving us a prayer which his followers have used for nearly two thousand years and in all parts of the world, made it a model of trust in God and devotion to his kingdom. The Lord's Prayer is about the most suitable one that could be imagined. It assumes the unity of the group and is concerned with every-day matters, with common needs and with our relationships with our fellows; and it fits all these into their place in the program of the eternal kingdom of God. When we use the Lord's Prayer, and we should use it often in the home, let us guard against the carelessness of familiarity and seek to renew in our lives the spirit of Jesus who
taught us so to pray.
Other prayers some or all of which would be helpful in any family are given here. Sometimes one of these being used as a start, the family will want to add special petitions of its own. These prayers may be followed by the Lord's Prayer.
a. Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, 0 Lord, my strength and my redeemer.
b. 0 God, we have no words with which to thank Thee for the great good which comes into our lives: but we pray that we may glorify Thee with cheerful hearts, and by lives which reveal thy goodness to others. Amen.
c. 0 God, our Father, make our home a part of thy true kingdom. May thy kindness be in our voices, thy love in our eyes, and thy purposes in our works. And may this day which thou has given us be a fragment of our life in Thee. Amen.
d. 0 God, our Father, we thank Thee for health of body and of mind, for the beautiful things in thy world, and the appeal of things unseen. Help us this day to be in harmony with thy purposes and to be our best for each other and for Thee.
e. 0 God, who art our strength and whose service is our highest joy; save us from holding too dear the things that are passing, and too cheap the things which are eternal. Enrich us with thy true riches; save us from pride, self-seeking and fear, and give us the spirit of Christ our Lord, whose service is perfect freedom. Amen.
f. Direct us, 0 Lord, with thy most gracious favor, and further us with thy continual help, that in all our works, begun, continued and ended in Thee, we may glorify thy holy name, through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen?
g. For Morning:
We thank Thee, 0 God, our Father, for the new day which thou has given. Help us this day to be loyal to Thee, and skilful in building our home as a part of thy kingdom on earth. Be with us as we go about our duties and in thy strength may we do all things well. (Use whatever ending is desired.)
h. As we leave our home in thy strength, Our Father, help us wherever we go to carry the spirit of love, and to do to others as we would have them do to us. And so through this day may we serve Thee with true hearts, and live and move and have our being in Thee.
i. 0 God, our Father and our eternal Friend, we thank Thee for our home, a shelter for love and a haven from the turmoil of the world. Within these walls, and even more within our hearts, may we have Thee as our divine Guest, that thy goodness may bless our lives, and thy love cast out every fear.
j. 0 Lord, who hast moved us with united hearts to come to Thee in prayer, who knowest all our needs before we present them, and art more willing to give thy Spirit than earthly parents are to give good gifts to their children, we ask that thou wilt help us to recognize thy guidance, and give us faith to receive the blessings of thy kingdom beyond all that we could ask or think, through Jesus Christ our Lord.
k. 0 God, Source of life and truth, whose light is in the world around us, and in the mind of man; help us to have thy words written in our hearts. And may we not merely possess thy truth as a treasure, but may it possess us as its instruments, through Jesus Christ our Lord.
1. For Use in Happiness
We come to Thee in our happiness, our heavenly Father, thou Giver of true joys and of all good gifts. We pour out our thanksgiving before Thee, and ask that through the experiences of life we may know Thee better, so that we may reveal Thee in our lives, and may be to others givers of help and cheer, through Jesus Christ our Lord.
m. For a Time of Trouble
(Before offering this prayer it would be well to read passages listed under "Help in Trouble" on page 116)
In our trouble we turn to Thee, 0 God; for thou art our Father and our eternal Friend. In our distress we seek thy help. In our perplexity we ask thy guidance, and as we are prone to error we ask that thou wilt give us the wisdom that we need. Be thou our strength and support. In thy light may these dark shadows pass away, and even in our time of trouble may thy grace be sufficient for us and thy love sustain us, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
n. For Use at Evening
God, who by thy grace hast kept us through this day, and hast brought us to the quiet of evening; as the day is thine, the night also is thine, and we are in thy care. We pray that thou wilt accept the work that we have done today, and forgive us for those things which have been wrong. In thy peace may our cares and burdens be forgotten, and may we rest this night in Thee. Amen.
o. Eternal God, the light of the minds that know Thee, the joy of the hearts that love Thee, and the strength of the wills that serve Thee; grant us so to know Thee that we may truly love Thee, so to love that we may fully serve Thee, to the honor and glory of thy holy name. Amen.
p. Life
Christ, who didst come that we might have life, and might have it more abundantly, we thy disciples come to Thee, that our lives may be filled with the fulness of God. Give us victory through faith over the sin that so easily besets us, and may we with minds lighted and hearts purified feel thy love which passes knowledge. Amen.
q. Penitence
God, we thy children come to Thee in penitence, for we have done things that we ought not to have done, and have left undone things that we ought to have done, and we need thy forgiveness.
We pray to Thee, who art gracious and merciful, to give us a new mind, that we may turn from all evil ways, from words that ought not to be spoken, from thoughts that are alien to thy kingdom, and from deeds that are done without love; and may find new life in Thee, through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Jesus, giving us a prayer which his followers have used for nearly two thousand years and in all parts of the world, made it a model of trust in God and devotion to his kingdom. The Lord's Prayer is about the most suitable one that could be imagined. It assumes the unity of the group and is concerned with every-day matters, with common needs and with our relationships with our fellows; and it fits all these into their place in the program of the eternal kingdom of God. When we use the Lord's Prayer, and we should use it often in the home, let us guard against the carelessness of familiarity and seek to renew in our lives the spirit of Jesus who
taught us so to pray.
Other prayers some or all of which would be helpful in any family are given here. Sometimes one of these being used as a start, the family will want to add special petitions of its own. These prayers may be followed by the Lord's Prayer.
a. Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, 0 Lord, my strength and my redeemer.
b. 0 God, we have no words with which to thank Thee for the great good which comes into our lives: but we pray that we may glorify Thee with cheerful hearts, and by lives which reveal thy goodness to others. Amen.
c. 0 God, our Father, make our home a part of thy true kingdom. May thy kindness be in our voices, thy love in our eyes, and thy purposes in our works. And may this day which thou has given us be a fragment of our life in Thee. Amen.
d. 0 God, our Father, we thank Thee for health of body and of mind, for the beautiful things in thy world, and the appeal of things unseen. Help us this day to be in harmony with thy purposes and to be our best for each other and for Thee.
e. 0 God, who art our strength and whose service is our highest joy; save us from holding too dear the things that are passing, and too cheap the things which are eternal. Enrich us with thy true riches; save us from pride, self-seeking and fear, and give us the spirit of Christ our Lord, whose service is perfect freedom. Amen.
f. Direct us, 0 Lord, with thy most gracious favor, and further us with thy continual help, that in all our works, begun, continued and ended in Thee, we may glorify thy holy name, through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen?
g. For Morning:
We thank Thee, 0 God, our Father, for the new day which thou has given. Help us this day to be loyal to Thee, and skilful in building our home as a part of thy kingdom on earth. Be with us as we go about our duties and in thy strength may we do all things well. (Use whatever ending is desired.)
h. As we leave our home in thy strength, Our Father, help us wherever we go to carry the spirit of love, and to do to others as we would have them do to us. And so through this day may we serve Thee with true hearts, and live and move and have our being in Thee.
i. 0 God, our Father and our eternal Friend, we thank Thee for our home, a shelter for love and a haven from the turmoil of the world. Within these walls, and even more within our hearts, may we have Thee as our divine Guest, that thy goodness may bless our lives, and thy love cast out every fear.
j. 0 Lord, who hast moved us with united hearts to come to Thee in prayer, who knowest all our needs before we present them, and art more willing to give thy Spirit than earthly parents are to give good gifts to their children, we ask that thou wilt help us to recognize thy guidance, and give us faith to receive the blessings of thy kingdom beyond all that we could ask or think, through Jesus Christ our Lord.
k. 0 God, Source of life and truth, whose light is in the world around us, and in the mind of man; help us to have thy words written in our hearts. And may we not merely possess thy truth as a treasure, but may it possess us as its instruments, through Jesus Christ our Lord.
1. For Use in Happiness
We come to Thee in our happiness, our heavenly Father, thou Giver of true joys and of all good gifts. We pour out our thanksgiving before Thee, and ask that through the experiences of life we may know Thee better, so that we may reveal Thee in our lives, and may be to others givers of help and cheer, through Jesus Christ our Lord.
m. For a Time of Trouble
(Before offering this prayer it would be well to read passages listed under "Help in Trouble" on page 116)
In our trouble we turn to Thee, 0 God; for thou art our Father and our eternal Friend. In our distress we seek thy help. In our perplexity we ask thy guidance, and as we are prone to error we ask that thou wilt give us the wisdom that we need. Be thou our strength and support. In thy light may these dark shadows pass away, and even in our time of trouble may thy grace be sufficient for us and thy love sustain us, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
n. For Use at Evening
God, who by thy grace hast kept us through this day, and hast brought us to the quiet of evening; as the day is thine, the night also is thine, and we are in thy care. We pray that thou wilt accept the work that we have done today, and forgive us for those things which have been wrong. In thy peace may our cares and burdens be forgotten, and may we rest this night in Thee. Amen.
o. Eternal God, the light of the minds that know Thee, the joy of the hearts that love Thee, and the strength of the wills that serve Thee; grant us so to know Thee that we may truly love Thee, so to love that we may fully serve Thee, to the honor and glory of thy holy name. Amen.
p. Life
Christ, who didst come that we might have life, and might have it more abundantly, we thy disciples come to Thee, that our lives may be filled with the fulness of God. Give us victory through faith over the sin that so easily besets us, and may we with minds lighted and hearts purified feel thy love which passes knowledge. Amen.
q. Penitence
God, we thy children come to Thee in penitence, for we have done things that we ought not to have done, and have left undone things that we ought to have done, and we need thy forgiveness.
We pray to Thee, who art gracious and merciful, to give us a new mind, that we may turn from all evil ways, from words that ought not to be spoken, from thoughts that are alien to thy kingdom, and from deeds that are done without love; and may find new life in Thee, through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Chapter 8: Pathways to Spiritual Harmony 2. Grace at Table
At meals together in the cozy intimacy of the new home, there is no finer custom than grace at table. It will be most natural for the husband and wife partaking of their daily food at their own table to look to God in profound gratitude. Then later when children have come into the family a little circle joining hands around the table will be a pleasing sight.
The following forms of grace are offered by way of suggestion:
a. We give thanks to Thee, our Father, for this food provided for our returning needs, and for all the hands that have helped to prepare it for our table. Bless them and us, in Jesus' name, Amen.
b. For what we are about to receive may the Lord make us truly thankful, through Jesus Christ our Lord.
c. God bless thy gifts to our use and us in thy service, through Christ our Lord.
d. Give us grateful hearts, our Father, for all thy gifts to us, and make us thoughtful of the needs of others. Amen.
The following forms of grace are offered by way of suggestion:
a. We give thanks to Thee, our Father, for this food provided for our returning needs, and for all the hands that have helped to prepare it for our table. Bless them and us, in Jesus' name, Amen.
b. For what we are about to receive may the Lord make us truly thankful, through Jesus Christ our Lord.
c. God bless thy gifts to our use and us in thy service, through Christ our Lord.
d. Give us grateful hearts, our Father, for all thy gifts to us, and make us thoughtful of the needs of others. Amen.
Chapter 8: Pathways to Spiritual Harmony 1. A Home Dedication Service
The very fact that a family cares enough about spiritual values to put them into its program will be likely to give their home stability and a sense of high fellowship. A daily recognition of the spiritual is like looking up at the stars.
Each family must of course shape its own program of religious expression, with some elements adapted from the childhood homes of the two, and others worked out in their own experience.
The new custom of dedicating homes appeals to many persons. Such an act places an emphasis on the sacredness of the home and on the distinctness of the new family.
The dedication service which is offered here can be conducted by any homemakers who care for such a service, either by themselves or with any others they may desire to have present. Parts of the service may be assigned to the pastor or others. The parts are here divided between the husband and wife.
Musical Prelude. (Optional) Recognition.
Husband: "Behold I stand at the door and knock; if any man hear my voice and open the door, I will come in."
Wife: We recognize Christ as the head of this house, its Guest and also its Lord.
A Beatitude for the Family.
Happy is the family that has a true home built by loyal hearts,
For home is not a dwelling but a living fellowship, In love and understanding.
And happy is the family whose members find a deeper unity
In sharing truth and beauty and devotion to the good. Their love shall be an altar fire
Burning in the temple of the Highest.
Prayer. (Members may prepare a prayer, or the following may be used.)
0 God our Father, and our eternal Friend, we recognize with joy that thou art the Source and Giver of the love that draws us together. We pray that Thou wilt be present in this home, that Thy love may enrich its fellowships, Thy wisdom be its guide, Thy truth its light and Thy peace its benediction, through Jesus Christ our Lord.
House Blessing. (May be repeated in unison, or responsively.)
"Bless the four corners of this house And be the lintel blest,
And bless the hearth and bless the board, And bless each place of rest;
And bless the door that opens wide To stranger as to kin,
And bless each crystal window-pane That lets the starlight in;
And bless the roof-tree overhead And every sturdy wall.
The peace of man, the peace of God, The peace of love o'er all."
Scripture.
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. (JOHN 13:34, 35 R.S.V.)
Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (I CORINTHIANS 13:4-7. The Revised Standard Version of the New Testament. Used by permission of National Council of Churches.)
Hymn. "For the Beauty of the Earth."
For the beauty of the earth,
For the beauty of the skies,
For the love which from our birth Over and around us lies,
Christ our God, to Thee we raise This our hymn of grateful praise.
For the joy of human love,
Brother, sister, parent, child,
Friends on earth and friends above,
For all gentle thoughts and mild, Christ our God, to Thee we raise This our hymn of grateful praise.
--Conrad Kocher
Declaration.
Husband: We who make up this family believe that God has brought us together and that He is our Helper.
Wife: We agree to work and pray that our home may be a source of strength to its members and a place of warmth and fellowship to all who come into it.
Dedication and Candle-Lighting Ceremony. (Parts divided as desired.)
We dedicate our home to love and understanding. May its joys and sorrows be shared and the individuality of each member appreciated. We light a candle to
FAMILY LOVE
We dedicate our home to work and leisure. May it have gaiety and high fellowship, with kindness in its voices and laughter ringing within its walls. We light a candle to
HAPPINESS
We dedicate our home to a friendly life. May its doors open in hospitality and its windows look out with kindness toward other homes. We light a candle to
FRIENDSHIP
We dedicate our home to cooperation. May its duties be performed in love, its furnishings bear witness that the work of others ministers to our comfort and its table remind us that God works with us for the supply of our daily needs. We light a candle to
COOPERATION
We dedicate our home to the appreciation of all things true and good. May our books bring wisdom, our pictures symbolize things beautiful and our music bring joy and inspiration. We light a candle to
APPRECIATION
We dedicate our time and talents to live. for one another, to serve our generation and to help build a world in which every family may have a home of comfort and fellowship. We light a candle to
CHRISTIAN SERVICE
We dedicate our home as a unit in the church universal, an instrument of the kingdom of God, a place for worship and Christian training and a threshold to the life eternal. We light a candle to
SPIRITUAL ENRICHMENT
ALL: As the flames point upward so our thoughts rise in gratitude to God for this home, and in prayer for His blessing upon it.
Prayer of Dedication. (Followed by the Lord's Prayer, all uniting.)
0 God, our Father, we thank Thee for this home, and for those other homes whose good influences remain with us. Help us so to live together here that Thy blessing may rest upon us and Thy joy be in our hearts. As we grow in love and comradeship may our thoughts go out in good will to our neighbors and to all mankind, and more and more may we know Thy love which passeth all understanding.
As we dedicate this home we pray that Thou wilt consecrate it by Thine own indwelling, that its light may so shine before men that they shall glorify Thee, through Jesus Christ our Lord, who taught us to pray:
"Our Father.."
Solo or Reading, "Bless This House" by Helen Taylor.'
Bless this house, 0 Lord we pray, Make it safe by night and day; Bless these walls, so firm and stout; Keeping want and trouble out; Bless the roof and chimney tall, Let Thy peace lie over all; Bless this door that it may prove Ever open to joy and love.
Bless these windows shining bright, Letting in God's heavenly light; Bless the hearth a-blazing there, With smoke ascending like a prayer; Bless the folk who dwell within, Keep them pure and free from sin; Bless us all that we may be, Fit 0 Lord to dwell with Thee.
Hymn. "0 Happy Home."
And where among the guests there never cometh
One who can hold such high and honored place.
0 happy home, where each one serves Thee lowly,
Whatever his appointed work may be,
Till every common task seems great and holy,
When it is done, 0 Lord, as unto Thee.
--Carl J. P. Spitta, Tr. by Mrs. C. F. Alexander.
Benediction. (Or a closing prayer and benediction by the minister.)
"The Lord bless us and keep us, the Lord make His face to shine upon us and be gracious unto us, the Lord lift up His countenance upon us and give us peace. Amen."
Closing Moment of Silent Prayer. (Soft music if desired.)
If guests are present the occasion should now lose all formality and everyone should be made to feel very much at home. A song fest of old favorites would be in order, if desired; or one or more solos if persons present are prepared for them. Music may be woven into the dedication program if this is desired. When the two are alone they will express their love to each other with joy and gaiety. The home is their nest, their castle and their honeymoon continued.
Each family must of course shape its own program of religious expression, with some elements adapted from the childhood homes of the two, and others worked out in their own experience.
The new custom of dedicating homes appeals to many persons. Such an act places an emphasis on the sacredness of the home and on the distinctness of the new family.
The dedication service which is offered here can be conducted by any homemakers who care for such a service, either by themselves or with any others they may desire to have present. Parts of the service may be assigned to the pastor or others. The parts are here divided between the husband and wife.
Musical Prelude. (Optional) Recognition.
Husband: "Behold I stand at the door and knock; if any man hear my voice and open the door, I will come in."
Wife: We recognize Christ as the head of this house, its Guest and also its Lord.
A Beatitude for the Family.
Happy is the family that has a true home built by loyal hearts,
For home is not a dwelling but a living fellowship, In love and understanding.
And happy is the family whose members find a deeper unity
In sharing truth and beauty and devotion to the good. Their love shall be an altar fire
Burning in the temple of the Highest.
Prayer. (Members may prepare a prayer, or the following may be used.)
0 God our Father, and our eternal Friend, we recognize with joy that thou art the Source and Giver of the love that draws us together. We pray that Thou wilt be present in this home, that Thy love may enrich its fellowships, Thy wisdom be its guide, Thy truth its light and Thy peace its benediction, through Jesus Christ our Lord.
House Blessing. (May be repeated in unison, or responsively.)
"Bless the four corners of this house And be the lintel blest,
And bless the hearth and bless the board, And bless each place of rest;
And bless the door that opens wide To stranger as to kin,
And bless each crystal window-pane That lets the starlight in;
And bless the roof-tree overhead And every sturdy wall.
The peace of man, the peace of God, The peace of love o'er all."
Scripture.
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. (JOHN 13:34, 35 R.S.V.)
Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (I CORINTHIANS 13:4-7. The Revised Standard Version of the New Testament. Used by permission of National Council of Churches.)
Hymn. "For the Beauty of the Earth."
For the beauty of the earth,
For the beauty of the skies,
For the love which from our birth Over and around us lies,
Christ our God, to Thee we raise This our hymn of grateful praise.
For the joy of human love,
Brother, sister, parent, child,
Friends on earth and friends above,
For all gentle thoughts and mild, Christ our God, to Thee we raise This our hymn of grateful praise.
--Conrad Kocher
Declaration.
Husband: We who make up this family believe that God has brought us together and that He is our Helper.
Wife: We agree to work and pray that our home may be a source of strength to its members and a place of warmth and fellowship to all who come into it.
Dedication and Candle-Lighting Ceremony. (Parts divided as desired.)
We dedicate our home to love and understanding. May its joys and sorrows be shared and the individuality of each member appreciated. We light a candle to
FAMILY LOVE
We dedicate our home to work and leisure. May it have gaiety and high fellowship, with kindness in its voices and laughter ringing within its walls. We light a candle to
HAPPINESS
We dedicate our home to a friendly life. May its doors open in hospitality and its windows look out with kindness toward other homes. We light a candle to
FRIENDSHIP
We dedicate our home to cooperation. May its duties be performed in love, its furnishings bear witness that the work of others ministers to our comfort and its table remind us that God works with us for the supply of our daily needs. We light a candle to
COOPERATION
We dedicate our home to the appreciation of all things true and good. May our books bring wisdom, our pictures symbolize things beautiful and our music bring joy and inspiration. We light a candle to
APPRECIATION
We dedicate our time and talents to live. for one another, to serve our generation and to help build a world in which every family may have a home of comfort and fellowship. We light a candle to
CHRISTIAN SERVICE
We dedicate our home as a unit in the church universal, an instrument of the kingdom of God, a place for worship and Christian training and a threshold to the life eternal. We light a candle to
SPIRITUAL ENRICHMENT
ALL: As the flames point upward so our thoughts rise in gratitude to God for this home, and in prayer for His blessing upon it.
Prayer of Dedication. (Followed by the Lord's Prayer, all uniting.)
0 God, our Father, we thank Thee for this home, and for those other homes whose good influences remain with us. Help us so to live together here that Thy blessing may rest upon us and Thy joy be in our hearts. As we grow in love and comradeship may our thoughts go out in good will to our neighbors and to all mankind, and more and more may we know Thy love which passeth all understanding.
As we dedicate this home we pray that Thou wilt consecrate it by Thine own indwelling, that its light may so shine before men that they shall glorify Thee, through Jesus Christ our Lord, who taught us to pray:
"Our Father.."
Solo or Reading, "Bless This House" by Helen Taylor.'
Bless this house, 0 Lord we pray, Make it safe by night and day; Bless these walls, so firm and stout; Keeping want and trouble out; Bless the roof and chimney tall, Let Thy peace lie over all; Bless this door that it may prove Ever open to joy and love.
Bless these windows shining bright, Letting in God's heavenly light; Bless the hearth a-blazing there, With smoke ascending like a prayer; Bless the folk who dwell within, Keep them pure and free from sin; Bless us all that we may be, Fit 0 Lord to dwell with Thee.
Hymn. "0 Happy Home."
And where among the guests there never cometh
One who can hold such high and honored place.
0 happy home, where each one serves Thee lowly,
Whatever his appointed work may be,
Till every common task seems great and holy,
When it is done, 0 Lord, as unto Thee.
--Carl J. P. Spitta, Tr. by Mrs. C. F. Alexander.
Benediction. (Or a closing prayer and benediction by the minister.)
"The Lord bless us and keep us, the Lord make His face to shine upon us and be gracious unto us, the Lord lift up His countenance upon us and give us peace. Amen."
Closing Moment of Silent Prayer. (Soft music if desired.)
If guests are present the occasion should now lose all formality and everyone should be made to feel very much at home. A song fest of old favorites would be in order, if desired; or one or more solos if persons present are prepared for them. Music may be woven into the dedication program if this is desired. When the two are alone they will express their love to each other with joy and gaiety. The home is their nest, their castle and their honeymoon continued.
Chapter 7: The Deeper Meaning of Marriage 5. Religion Shared in the Home
The religious life of the home should be higher and deeper than all creeds or ceremonies, as the husband and wife share in their thinking about the meaning of life, and about the truth, beauty, love, and wisdom that are beyond, beneath and within all things. Their religion must not be a formality which they go through, careless-hearted and uninspired, for the real religion of the home is the sum and substance of its highest ideals and of its deepest love.
"Religion at its best burns like an altar fire in the home and God is the unseen guest day and night. Such an experience may seem difficult of realization, and it is, but not so difficult as appears. It requires daily consecration, daily thoughtfulness and daily `practice of the Presence of God! . . . Long experience has shown that the home is more stable when the husband and wife keep their ideals by God's strength; when children learn to pray at their mother's knee; when the family go to church together as a family custom and as a conscious participation in community life. The child needs the divinest home earth can offer. He thrives best in settled ways, where life is on a high plane. He lives by love as much as by food and drink."
What is said here about the child is equally true of grown people, who, from this point of view, are simply children of a larger growth. The world is sometimes cold. We need our hearts warmed at home. When life is hard we need a refuge where hearts are responsive. The parent also, or the newly married person, lives by love as much as by food and drink.
Practical results of religion in family success have been indicated in a striking way in a number of studies that have been made and by careful observation. These studies have shown that divorce is almost negligible in homes in which the husband and wife are regular in their church duties. Time taken for private and family prayer and for attendance upon public worship is time spent in building up the spiritual strength of the family. These habits bring the individual and the family into an atmosphere in which appreciation, forbearance and mutual devotion are cultivated, and a critical and unforgiving spirit is out of place.
One would say to homemakers: "Never let religion be an occasion for unkindness, intolerance, or prejudice against each other, or against any human soul. Honor all good people, whether of your creed or of some other. So far as you have ability and opportunity, work with all who in any way are striving to advance human good. Your family is part of a world of families. Help lift the general level.
"If creeds and forms that are presented to you as embodying religion do not satisfy or convince you, look for the truth and beauty that are deeper than all forms. If your church is imperfect try to make it more perfect through your influence in it. Do not throw stones of criticism at those who are trying to make the world better. Help them, and carry on a little demonstration of human betterment at home."
The great and wonderful stream of life comes out of the past and flows through us toward future generations. We are heirs of all the ages yet we must take up our inheritance and prepare to pass it on not only unimpaired but built up and revitalized. If in our families we work together, with devotion to each other, with reverence for the great gift of life, and in harmony with God, we shall not fail to find the highest possible good.
"Religion at its best burns like an altar fire in the home and God is the unseen guest day and night. Such an experience may seem difficult of realization, and it is, but not so difficult as appears. It requires daily consecration, daily thoughtfulness and daily `practice of the Presence of God! . . . Long experience has shown that the home is more stable when the husband and wife keep their ideals by God's strength; when children learn to pray at their mother's knee; when the family go to church together as a family custom and as a conscious participation in community life. The child needs the divinest home earth can offer. He thrives best in settled ways, where life is on a high plane. He lives by love as much as by food and drink."
What is said here about the child is equally true of grown people, who, from this point of view, are simply children of a larger growth. The world is sometimes cold. We need our hearts warmed at home. When life is hard we need a refuge where hearts are responsive. The parent also, or the newly married person, lives by love as much as by food and drink.
Practical results of religion in family success have been indicated in a striking way in a number of studies that have been made and by careful observation. These studies have shown that divorce is almost negligible in homes in which the husband and wife are regular in their church duties. Time taken for private and family prayer and for attendance upon public worship is time spent in building up the spiritual strength of the family. These habits bring the individual and the family into an atmosphere in which appreciation, forbearance and mutual devotion are cultivated, and a critical and unforgiving spirit is out of place.
One would say to homemakers: "Never let religion be an occasion for unkindness, intolerance, or prejudice against each other, or against any human soul. Honor all good people, whether of your creed or of some other. So far as you have ability and opportunity, work with all who in any way are striving to advance human good. Your family is part of a world of families. Help lift the general level.
"If creeds and forms that are presented to you as embodying religion do not satisfy or convince you, look for the truth and beauty that are deeper than all forms. If your church is imperfect try to make it more perfect through your influence in it. Do not throw stones of criticism at those who are trying to make the world better. Help them, and carry on a little demonstration of human betterment at home."
The great and wonderful stream of life comes out of the past and flows through us toward future generations. We are heirs of all the ages yet we must take up our inheritance and prepare to pass it on not only unimpaired but built up and revitalized. If in our families we work together, with devotion to each other, with reverence for the great gift of life, and in harmony with God, we shall not fail to find the highest possible good.
Chapter 7: The Deeper Meaning of Marriage 4. Religion and Personal Character
A great practical contribution of religion at its best is in its tendency to produce in people those attitudes which make family life worthy and inspiring. In helping people to be upright, loyal, unselfish, patient, courageous, and also easier to live with, true religion aids in the development of the finest homemaking qualities.
These qualities are favorable to the continuance of mutual respect. At the time of marriage each has, of course, the full respect of the other and it is one of the most precious assets. If at any time mutual respect is damaged in any degree it must be reestablished as quickly and as fully as possible, because respect is a necessary ingredient in love.
William Lyon Phelps, a great teacher of young men, and a keen observer of family life, has said: "Since the greatest of all arts is the art of living together, and since the highest and most permanent happiness depends on it, and since the way to practice this art successfully lies through character, the all important question is how to obtain character. The surest way is through religion in the home." This is a most reasonable statement because religion which is the experience of the love of God in the home is a corrective for our faults and a means of strengthening our good points. The New Testament says: "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious; if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Here also we have great wisdom for family experience. It means that as we live together we cultivate the attitude of appreciation rather than criticism and learn to find the best in one another.
We know that there is a personal discipline which prepares the way for the highest achievements of the athlete or the musician. There is also a spiritual discipline which aids the highest living both in personal and in family experience. Commonplace living is easy, but the finest living calls for our very best in the home as in every other relationship.
These qualities are favorable to the continuance of mutual respect. At the time of marriage each has, of course, the full respect of the other and it is one of the most precious assets. If at any time mutual respect is damaged in any degree it must be reestablished as quickly and as fully as possible, because respect is a necessary ingredient in love.
William Lyon Phelps, a great teacher of young men, and a keen observer of family life, has said: "Since the greatest of all arts is the art of living together, and since the highest and most permanent happiness depends on it, and since the way to practice this art successfully lies through character, the all important question is how to obtain character. The surest way is through religion in the home." This is a most reasonable statement because religion which is the experience of the love of God in the home is a corrective for our faults and a means of strengthening our good points. The New Testament says: "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious; if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Here also we have great wisdom for family experience. It means that as we live together we cultivate the attitude of appreciation rather than criticism and learn to find the best in one another.
We know that there is a personal discipline which prepares the way for the highest achievements of the athlete or the musician. There is also a spiritual discipline which aids the highest living both in personal and in family experience. Commonplace living is easy, but the finest living calls for our very best in the home as in every other relationship.
Chapter 7: The Deeper Meaning of Marriage 3. A Sacred Undertaking
High hopes of excellence in their life together are normal to young people in love. As husband and wife they should have faith in God, and in the sacredness of their undertaking. In a world where there are many lives that simply drift, they should have a purpose. The person who starts with a conviction that the task of building a home is worthy of persistent endeavor is likely to be an individual worth living with, while the cynical mind that does not believe supremely in anything is a handicap in marriage.
Young people starting out on the journey together most naturally turn to God in prayer for the success of their venture. When they become parents they can hardly think without awe and tenderness of the life which they have brought into the world. And when it comes to the early training of children, what is more desirable than to create a family atmosphere charged with faith and good will. Family members living without thought of spiritual things are like dwellers in a valley who never lift up their eyes to the mountain tops.
Young people starting out on the journey together most naturally turn to God in prayer for the success of their venture. When they become parents they can hardly think without awe and tenderness of the life which they have brought into the world. And when it comes to the early training of children, what is more desirable than to create a family atmosphere charged with faith and good will. Family members living without thought of spiritual things are like dwellers in a valley who never lift up their eyes to the mountain tops.
Chapter 7: The Deeper Meaning of Marriage 2. Complete Love
A clearer realization of the way in which the great principles of religion apply to family life will help us. The first and greatest of the commandments, as Jesus said, is: "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength," and the second is, "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." If we catch the spirit of these words as descriptive of love in a high sense, we may apply the same thought to the relationships of husbands and wives in the family.
One is to love with all the heart, the emotional nature; with all the mind, the intellectual nature; with all the soul, the aesthetic and religious nature; and all the strength, a synthesis of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual qualities. Great wisdom for married life is expressed in the words of Jesus, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; even as I have loved you, that you also love one another."
What does it mean to love as Christ loved? Among other things it means that our love is to develop the qualities that his love showed, such as understanding, seeing into the heart; appreciation, seeing the best in people; unselfishness, a concern for the happiness of the other, and a forgiving spirit in which he gave an example that the world can never forget.
Love within the home prepares us better to love our neighbors. The attitude of loving one's neighbor as himself creates a kindlier atmosphere, brings one into a larger circle of good will, and develops character in such a way that the home also is benefited. It means growth in kindness, fairness, and ability to help others to be their best. It means that we are to find the influences of fellowship and good will all about us, and to unload any burden of grudges and cynicisms that we may have. These bring a bitter harvest, but "The harvest of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, good temper, kindliness, generosity, fidelity, gentleness, self-control." Every one of these qualities is found in a home that gives due place to the spiritual life.
One is to love with all the heart, the emotional nature; with all the mind, the intellectual nature; with all the soul, the aesthetic and religious nature; and all the strength, a synthesis of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual qualities. Great wisdom for married life is expressed in the words of Jesus, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; even as I have loved you, that you also love one another."
What does it mean to love as Christ loved? Among other things it means that our love is to develop the qualities that his love showed, such as understanding, seeing into the heart; appreciation, seeing the best in people; unselfishness, a concern for the happiness of the other, and a forgiving spirit in which he gave an example that the world can never forget.
Love within the home prepares us better to love our neighbors. The attitude of loving one's neighbor as himself creates a kindlier atmosphere, brings one into a larger circle of good will, and develops character in such a way that the home also is benefited. It means growth in kindness, fairness, and ability to help others to be their best. It means that we are to find the influences of fellowship and good will all about us, and to unload any burden of grudges and cynicisms that we may have. These bring a bitter harvest, but "The harvest of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, good temper, kindliness, generosity, fidelity, gentleness, self-control." Every one of these qualities is found in a home that gives due place to the spiritual life.
Chapter 7: The Deeper Meaning of Marriage 1. The Higher Needs
Life at its best is a spiritual venture having a supreme goal and purpose. Our fellowship with one another is most complete when together we realize that the foundations of our marriage, as of our being, are in God, who is the greater Love beyond, beneath and within our human love.
Sometimes persons are ill at ease and unhappy mainly because they fail to meet the needs of the higher side of their nature. Man cannot live by bread alone, and a family cannot live in material things and passing events alone. Deep in the heart are spiritual needs which are like hunger and thirst, the repression of which throws life out of balance and robs it of its richest meaning.
We need to be adjusted not only to one another in the family, but to life and to God. Every family needs a dynamic of conviction and an ultimate goal for its striving. We use the term religion to indicate the spirit of love in its highest and most practical sense.
If we give care to the foundations our homemaking ventures will be secure. There will also be the satisfaction of feeling that our home is a part of God's kingdom on earth. It adds immensely to the joy of homemaking to realize that we are building with God and that His laws are on our side to help us in preserving and increasing the happiness of the home.
There is something about the habit of living with God, who is love, which gives a fuller splendor to our family relationships. When parenthood comes the parents stand in the place of God to the little child. In order to be prepared for such a responsibility they must, of course, have God in the home before the children arrive.
Religion is a means of laying hold upon a wisdom greater than our own as we look to the objectives of the voyage which we are taking. It does not mean forgetting daily concerns in order to concentrate upon God, but finding God, like light and power in the midst of all our relationships. "A flash of gorgeous knowledge of the presence and beauty of God may come through some earthly love, that life-giving emotion which makes us part of the Creator and bestows a cosmic consciousness that links us with all creation." Something of this consciousness was expressed in the words of a husband who said to his wife, "In your eyes, my darling, I have seen the Infinite."
Sometimes persons are ill at ease and unhappy mainly because they fail to meet the needs of the higher side of their nature. Man cannot live by bread alone, and a family cannot live in material things and passing events alone. Deep in the heart are spiritual needs which are like hunger and thirst, the repression of which throws life out of balance and robs it of its richest meaning.
We need to be adjusted not only to one another in the family, but to life and to God. Every family needs a dynamic of conviction and an ultimate goal for its striving. We use the term religion to indicate the spirit of love in its highest and most practical sense.
If we give care to the foundations our homemaking ventures will be secure. There will also be the satisfaction of feeling that our home is a part of God's kingdom on earth. It adds immensely to the joy of homemaking to realize that we are building with God and that His laws are on our side to help us in preserving and increasing the happiness of the home.
There is something about the habit of living with God, who is love, which gives a fuller splendor to our family relationships. When parenthood comes the parents stand in the place of God to the little child. In order to be prepared for such a responsibility they must, of course, have God in the home before the children arrive.
Religion is a means of laying hold upon a wisdom greater than our own as we look to the objectives of the voyage which we are taking. It does not mean forgetting daily concerns in order to concentrate upon God, but finding God, like light and power in the midst of all our relationships. "A flash of gorgeous knowledge of the presence and beauty of God may come through some earthly love, that life-giving emotion which makes us part of the Creator and bestows a cosmic consciousness that links us with all creation." Something of this consciousness was expressed in the words of a husband who said to his wife, "In your eyes, my darling, I have seen the Infinite."
Chapter 6: Parenthood 4. Creating a Favorable Atmosphere for Children
The family at its best is a training school of personality, with joy in work and play, unity in aims and ideals, self-confidence, and deep gratification of each member in being able to give joy to the ones who are most dear. Such a home creates an atmosphere favorable to the complete and happy development of children.
It is well for parents to have their children when they are fairly young, lest there should be too great a distance between the generations, and it is a benefit to the child to have brothers and sisters near his own age because they become playmates, share experiences and help one another in personality development.
If a child has too much parental emotion centered upon him, whether of pleasure or dissatisfaction, he does not adjust himself-normally in the world of his equals where he must make his place. He must not be given the feeling that the world revolves around him, but must learn to be a person among persons in the give and take of life.
For the problems of pregnancy and parenthood it is well to take advantage of the helpful books which are available in all good libraries, and to possess the most necessary ones if possible. Some excellent free pamphlets on child training can be secured from the Children's Bureau in Washington. It is well for people to anticipate parenthood, to draw in advance upon the best wisdom available and to plan for children not only in terms of health and support, but also in anticipation of complete family happiness and the sharing of affection.
Giving the child a good start physically becomes easier if he is nursed by his mother. This should be carefully considered by all mothers who want of course to do everything possible for their children.
A certain proportion of married folk find that they do not have as many children as they want. Such people ought not to give up hope, however, for a considerable number, who would otherwise be childless, can have their hope for children fulfilled through modern medical help.
For married couples to have an average of three children will merely maintain the population at its present level, and it is evident that a family which does not maintain itself nor make its contribution to the next generation is falling short of its full responsibility.
The joys of parenthood are enhanced by the thought of building a better future for children and through them. To rear a new generation with the highest ideals, and in accordance with the best procedures in child training, gives to the homemaking task the dignity of an art and a noble profession.
The human race has gone far toward conquering the forces of earth, sea and air, but the advances of the past and present can be crowned with most complete fulfillment only by going forward to achieve the finest type of human living. When we consider the way in which the spirit of man presses forward to reach new heights, we would be faint-hearted if we did not dare to dream of a nobler future for our children, and, in spite of all discouragements, to work with them for a happy and peaceful world.
This better future, however, can not be built without secure foundations in home life. As we think of the millions of homes in all parts of the country, on busy city streets, in pleasant suburbs, in the midst of shady lawns, by lake or stream, or on sun-streaked hillsides, do we not see in these more than anywhere else, the very heart of our nation's life? If we picture fathers returning home with gladness, met by smiling eyes of women, gathering in the home circles amid the romping of children, and if we contemplate all the joy and good will that are constantly being generated in family life, do we not see in and through the home a possibility of building a world on sounder, saner principles, and of creating a type of human life nearer to the heart's desire? For the kind of life and the kind of world we want we must build solid foundations in our homes.
It is well for parents to have their children when they are fairly young, lest there should be too great a distance between the generations, and it is a benefit to the child to have brothers and sisters near his own age because they become playmates, share experiences and help one another in personality development.
If a child has too much parental emotion centered upon him, whether of pleasure or dissatisfaction, he does not adjust himself-normally in the world of his equals where he must make his place. He must not be given the feeling that the world revolves around him, but must learn to be a person among persons in the give and take of life.
For the problems of pregnancy and parenthood it is well to take advantage of the helpful books which are available in all good libraries, and to possess the most necessary ones if possible. Some excellent free pamphlets on child training can be secured from the Children's Bureau in Washington. It is well for people to anticipate parenthood, to draw in advance upon the best wisdom available and to plan for children not only in terms of health and support, but also in anticipation of complete family happiness and the sharing of affection.
Giving the child a good start physically becomes easier if he is nursed by his mother. This should be carefully considered by all mothers who want of course to do everything possible for their children.
A certain proportion of married folk find that they do not have as many children as they want. Such people ought not to give up hope, however, for a considerable number, who would otherwise be childless, can have their hope for children fulfilled through modern medical help.
For married couples to have an average of three children will merely maintain the population at its present level, and it is evident that a family which does not maintain itself nor make its contribution to the next generation is falling short of its full responsibility.
The joys of parenthood are enhanced by the thought of building a better future for children and through them. To rear a new generation with the highest ideals, and in accordance with the best procedures in child training, gives to the homemaking task the dignity of an art and a noble profession.
The human race has gone far toward conquering the forces of earth, sea and air, but the advances of the past and present can be crowned with most complete fulfillment only by going forward to achieve the finest type of human living. When we consider the way in which the spirit of man presses forward to reach new heights, we would be faint-hearted if we did not dare to dream of a nobler future for our children, and, in spite of all discouragements, to work with them for a happy and peaceful world.
This better future, however, can not be built without secure foundations in home life. As we think of the millions of homes in all parts of the country, on busy city streets, in pleasant suburbs, in the midst of shady lawns, by lake or stream, or on sun-streaked hillsides, do we not see in these more than anywhere else, the very heart of our nation's life? If we picture fathers returning home with gladness, met by smiling eyes of women, gathering in the home circles amid the romping of children, and if we contemplate all the joy and good will that are constantly being generated in family life, do we not see in and through the home a possibility of building a world on sounder, saner principles, and of creating a type of human life nearer to the heart's desire? For the kind of life and the kind of world we want we must build solid foundations in our homes.
Chapter 6: Parenthood 3. Anticipation of Parenthood
The expectant mother should be under the guidance of a good physician from the time pregnancy is discovered. Great care especially should be taken to avoid excess in the sex relationship or to avoid it entirely at the period when menstruation would normally have taken place, because of the greater liability of the wife to miscarriage at such times.
The husband is to realize that his wife is under nervous and emotional tensions which call for constant patience and sympathy on his part. If at this time a wife should feel a sudden and unexplained aversion to her mate, both of them should realize that it is an accompaniment of her condition rather than a real change in her attitude. Failing to realize this some young people have drifted into unpleasant and bitter experiences of misunderstanding and conflict entirely out of harmony with their love for each other. Sometimes this happens partly because the nature of the wife calls out all the more at this time, in a way which she may not fully understand, for the full sympathy and support of her husband. If he will help her through the early part of this period by unusual considerateness in every way, he will be likely to find that health and happiness are improved, as her whole being meets the call of motherhood.
Anticipation and realization of fatherhood and motherhood deepen love and add to happiness. Physically the parents have united to give life to the child. Now they must unite all that is in them to give the best nurture and guidance. They give the gift of themselves to each other and to their children, sharing the treasures of love with new lives, and broadening and deepening the range of experience together.
Through parenthood they achieve more complete expression of the full sex nature of each. This, in the man, leads him to wish to make a home for the loved mate, and to unite with her in building a true family. It shows itself also in the tender solicitude of the father toward the little child, and the desire to shape the environment in such a way that his home and family may be secure and happy.
Similarly on the part of the woman, her complete sexual personality leads her to desire to be an ideal wife, and gives her the inexpressible tenderness and strength of motherhood. It also reaches out from her own home in an attitude of love and kindness toward others, and a desire that the world may be a suitable place for the homes of all people, with adequate care, protection and opportunity for all children. There is no finer achievement in which a man and woman can share than the creation of a good family.
The husband is to realize that his wife is under nervous and emotional tensions which call for constant patience and sympathy on his part. If at this time a wife should feel a sudden and unexplained aversion to her mate, both of them should realize that it is an accompaniment of her condition rather than a real change in her attitude. Failing to realize this some young people have drifted into unpleasant and bitter experiences of misunderstanding and conflict entirely out of harmony with their love for each other. Sometimes this happens partly because the nature of the wife calls out all the more at this time, in a way which she may not fully understand, for the full sympathy and support of her husband. If he will help her through the early part of this period by unusual considerateness in every way, he will be likely to find that health and happiness are improved, as her whole being meets the call of motherhood.
Anticipation and realization of fatherhood and motherhood deepen love and add to happiness. Physically the parents have united to give life to the child. Now they must unite all that is in them to give the best nurture and guidance. They give the gift of themselves to each other and to their children, sharing the treasures of love with new lives, and broadening and deepening the range of experience together.
Through parenthood they achieve more complete expression of the full sex nature of each. This, in the man, leads him to wish to make a home for the loved mate, and to unite with her in building a true family. It shows itself also in the tender solicitude of the father toward the little child, and the desire to shape the environment in such a way that his home and family may be secure and happy.
Similarly on the part of the woman, her complete sexual personality leads her to desire to be an ideal wife, and gives her the inexpressible tenderness and strength of motherhood. It also reaches out from her own home in an attitude of love and kindness toward others, and a desire that the world may be a suitable place for the homes of all people, with adequate care, protection and opportunity for all children. There is no finer achievement in which a man and woman can share than the creation of a good family.
Chapter 6: Parenthood 2. Birth Regulation and Birth Release
The problem for the married pair is the regulation and spacing of pregnancy, not its undue avoidance. All couples will desire to select the very best time to start each of the pregnancies with due regard to the health of the mother and of the children, and the welfare of the whole family.
To begin with pregnancy before the home is settled is usually unwise. It is found that if time is allowed wherein husband and wife can work out the detail of daily living, the future happiness is more likely to be based on clear and considerate understanding than if from the beginning a complicated situation like the care required for the pregnant wife has to enter all their actions. Except in the case of couples with the wife well past thirty or wealthy enough to have ample service, postponement of pregnancy for six months or a year usually works out best. Then for the well-being of children an adequate spacing, perhaps of two years, is usually better. Children born only a year apart show a much higher death rate. When there are as many children as wisdom would dictate, again protection against unwise pregnancy may be needed.
Protection — that is, contraception — should be undertaken, not on the basis of what some friend has found successful, but by advice of one of those physicians who have the necessary special knowledge, or of a birth control clinic or maternal health agency. One must beware of the claims of most advertisements because scientific studies have found them to be unwarranted. The accredited methods of adequately trained doctors and clinics are harmless. They do not produce unfavorable after-effects, as long years of analysis of results in very many thousands of cases have proven. They remove that sense of apprehension which mars the peace of marital union for many couples.
Those who have been taught that no method but observance of the "safe period," the sterile period, is right, may give a year's study to a calendar marked with the date of each period, and then take advice as to whether the wife's regularity is such as to warrant a trial of this method. One difficulty about it is that there are so many women who do not produce the egg on the usual calendar date near the mid-month, and there is no way of telling when a woman is uncertain. So the risk is considerable.
The choice is then between ascetic marriage, the brother and sister life, except for the brief periods when children are to be started, and birth control by accredited methods. This protection has now been developed so that skilled advice conscientiously followed gives well nigh complete success.
If in spite of all precautions there should be an unforeseen pregnancy such an event should not be treated as a misfortune, for, though unintended, the coming of the child may result in greater happiness to the family than would otherwise be possible. It is especially necessary for the sake of the child's emotional health, that he should have the sense of being wanted and treasured by his parents. If they give him the impression that he is an unwelcomed burden, it destroys his emotional security and puts a weight upon his mind which is likely to bear him down. Every child deserves to be wanted. At the opposite extreme are those tragic cases in which people resort to dangerous and criminal abortion.
To begin with pregnancy before the home is settled is usually unwise. It is found that if time is allowed wherein husband and wife can work out the detail of daily living, the future happiness is more likely to be based on clear and considerate understanding than if from the beginning a complicated situation like the care required for the pregnant wife has to enter all their actions. Except in the case of couples with the wife well past thirty or wealthy enough to have ample service, postponement of pregnancy for six months or a year usually works out best. Then for the well-being of children an adequate spacing, perhaps of two years, is usually better. Children born only a year apart show a much higher death rate. When there are as many children as wisdom would dictate, again protection against unwise pregnancy may be needed.
Protection — that is, contraception — should be undertaken, not on the basis of what some friend has found successful, but by advice of one of those physicians who have the necessary special knowledge, or of a birth control clinic or maternal health agency. One must beware of the claims of most advertisements because scientific studies have found them to be unwarranted. The accredited methods of adequately trained doctors and clinics are harmless. They do not produce unfavorable after-effects, as long years of analysis of results in very many thousands of cases have proven. They remove that sense of apprehension which mars the peace of marital union for many couples.
Those who have been taught that no method but observance of the "safe period," the sterile period, is right, may give a year's study to a calendar marked with the date of each period, and then take advice as to whether the wife's regularity is such as to warrant a trial of this method. One difficulty about it is that there are so many women who do not produce the egg on the usual calendar date near the mid-month, and there is no way of telling when a woman is uncertain. So the risk is considerable.
The choice is then between ascetic marriage, the brother and sister life, except for the brief periods when children are to be started, and birth control by accredited methods. This protection has now been developed so that skilled advice conscientiously followed gives well nigh complete success.
If in spite of all precautions there should be an unforeseen pregnancy such an event should not be treated as a misfortune, for, though unintended, the coming of the child may result in greater happiness to the family than would otherwise be possible. It is especially necessary for the sake of the child's emotional health, that he should have the sense of being wanted and treasured by his parents. If they give him the impression that he is an unwelcomed burden, it destroys his emotional security and puts a weight upon his mind which is likely to bear him down. Every child deserves to be wanted. At the opposite extreme are those tragic cases in which people resort to dangerous and criminal abortion.
Chapter 6: Parenthood 1. Pregnancy
The joys and responsibilities of parenthood m rich family experience and bring the particular couple into the endless process of renewal and ongoing of all the interests and values of the race. The world is constantly being fashioned and re-fashioned in its homes. To say that the social virtues of tenderness, responsibility, sympathy and devotion have their roots in parental experience is true and important, but pale compared with the radiant joy that parents have in the renewal of themselves and their love in children. In the family plan therefore children should have. a central place. It is better to spend money for children than for "nice things" or an expensive manner of living.
A mother of a fine family says, "While there are old wives and some young ones who shake their heads and sympathize with the pregnant young woman, there are others who have passed through a creative, vivid adventure, where in spite of physical ills she can walk on air for pure joy, well tell the truth if she will but turn her face that way. Let her experience the joy of passing on through her body a torch of life that comes from endless ages and will go on infinitely. That is rising to the heights of life on the dramatic level."
Because the experience of parenthood is a normal and desirable part of life, it tends to keep the parents young and vital. To be a mother of a suitable number of children is good for the physical and nervous health of the wife. While children sometimes tax the nervous poise of parents, the women who have none are even more likely to suffer from nervous ills.
A mother of a fine family says, "While there are old wives and some young ones who shake their heads and sympathize with the pregnant young woman, there are others who have passed through a creative, vivid adventure, where in spite of physical ills she can walk on air for pure joy, well tell the truth if she will but turn her face that way. Let her experience the joy of passing on through her body a torch of life that comes from endless ages and will go on infinitely. That is rising to the heights of life on the dramatic level."
Because the experience of parenthood is a normal and desirable part of life, it tends to keep the parents young and vital. To be a mother of a suitable number of children is good for the physical and nervous health of the wife. While children sometimes tax the nervous poise of parents, the women who have none are even more likely to suffer from nervous ills.
Chapter 5: Meeting Difficulties Constructively 4. What is Successful Marriage?
When married lovers return from the honeymoon they take up together the task of making a home. Now, although they are not less lovers than before, their love must be seasoned with more of the practical, and each must learn to think of the daily duties as a part of their expression of regard for each other and for their home.
The romantic wife may wish the honeymoon could have continued, and may be tempted to resent the requirements of her husband's calling which inevitably make heavy demands upon his time. She must realize, however, that a new phase of being lovers is their being homemakers together. They must cultivate the art of being lovers and homemakers as they have previously found the thrills of being dates, sweethearts, and honeymooners.
The two should now study to create a mutually satisfying program of living. Their marriage can be really successful in the highest sense only if it is thoroughly satisfactory for both. One of the wife's main duties is to help her husband to a successful career as a man and a husband, and equally the husband has a responsibility for helping the wife to a satisfying career as a woman and a wife. Along these lines both their experience in marriage and their development in personality will be on a high level.
We think of a successful marriage not merely as one which holds together and keeps away from the divorce court, but as one whose members find zest in living and in which the two have not only respect but enthusiasm for each other. Happiness is a matter of knowing where to place the emphasis, distinguishing between the major and minor goals and between the minor and major domestic virtues. It is a matter of confidence, of keeping clean, wholesome and attractive, and of giving love without measure.
Married love is related to courtship love as a larger tree is related to the smaller one that it once was. As time goes on the tree puts on new rings of growth, sends its roots deeper into the soil and bears flowers and fruit which it could not bear before. It becomes sturdier and taller from year to year. The transition from romantic love to married love does not take place so automatically but growth is equally necessary.
Every marriage should have three kinds of love: 1) romantic, keeping alive something of the zest and sparkle and "special-ness" of courtship days, 2) domestic, weaving the mutual concern and passionate kindness of the two into a pattern of living, and 3) a love like the love of God which holds steady even when people are at their worst and is always ready to forgive.
If a married person wakes up some morning and wonders what has become of the romance of life, it is a symptom that something more may need to be done to put love into the pattern of living and develop it into full maturity. Love is by nature a courageous and hopeful thing. It defies definition yet makes life more meaningful, creates a spring of happiness within us, and enables marriage to triumph over many obstacles.
We do not think of marriage as a series of question marks representing this and that adjustment, but as a unity which increases the joys of life and lessens its sorrows. Marriage should be represented by a series of plus signs,.and the partner thought of not merely as a person to whom we must adjust, but much more as one who enters with us into the fuller joys of living.
The romantic wife may wish the honeymoon could have continued, and may be tempted to resent the requirements of her husband's calling which inevitably make heavy demands upon his time. She must realize, however, that a new phase of being lovers is their being homemakers together. They must cultivate the art of being lovers and homemakers as they have previously found the thrills of being dates, sweethearts, and honeymooners.
The two should now study to create a mutually satisfying program of living. Their marriage can be really successful in the highest sense only if it is thoroughly satisfactory for both. One of the wife's main duties is to help her husband to a successful career as a man and a husband, and equally the husband has a responsibility for helping the wife to a satisfying career as a woman and a wife. Along these lines both their experience in marriage and their development in personality will be on a high level.
We think of a successful marriage not merely as one which holds together and keeps away from the divorce court, but as one whose members find zest in living and in which the two have not only respect but enthusiasm for each other. Happiness is a matter of knowing where to place the emphasis, distinguishing between the major and minor goals and between the minor and major domestic virtues. It is a matter of confidence, of keeping clean, wholesome and attractive, and of giving love without measure.
Married love is related to courtship love as a larger tree is related to the smaller one that it once was. As time goes on the tree puts on new rings of growth, sends its roots deeper into the soil and bears flowers and fruit which it could not bear before. It becomes sturdier and taller from year to year. The transition from romantic love to married love does not take place so automatically but growth is equally necessary.
Every marriage should have three kinds of love: 1) romantic, keeping alive something of the zest and sparkle and "special-ness" of courtship days, 2) domestic, weaving the mutual concern and passionate kindness of the two into a pattern of living, and 3) a love like the love of God which holds steady even when people are at their worst and is always ready to forgive.
If a married person wakes up some morning and wonders what has become of the romance of life, it is a symptom that something more may need to be done to put love into the pattern of living and develop it into full maturity. Love is by nature a courageous and hopeful thing. It defies definition yet makes life more meaningful, creates a spring of happiness within us, and enables marriage to triumph over many obstacles.
We do not think of marriage as a series of question marks representing this and that adjustment, but as a unity which increases the joys of life and lessens its sorrows. Marriage should be represented by a series of plus signs,.and the partner thought of not merely as a person to whom we must adjust, but much more as one who enters with us into the fuller joys of living.
Chapter 5: Meeting Difficulties Constructively 3. What About Incompatability?
Faults of adjustment should not be a cause of fear, yet "incompatibility" is a big word that frightens people sometimes, because it sounds rather hopeless. Often, in reality, it is no more than a vague way of saying that the persons involved are selfish and unwilling to make concessions. Sometimes it means that they are too ignorant to carry out their physical mating with a reasonable degree of harmony. Few are the pairs who cannot achieve harmony, both sexual and mental, if they are willing to give themselves fully and unselfishly to each other.
There is a growing understanding that incompatibility is not so much a necessary clash between two natures as it is a result of wrong training or a condition that people bring upon themselves; while compatibility is a happy state that married people gain by intelligent effort. It may be aided by good training and fortunate choice but it is not merely an accident. Seeming incompatibility can be corrected in many cases by studying how to lessen misunderstandings and annoyances, and how to grow in patience and mutual self-giving.
If people begin to rub each other the wrong way a change of subject and of interest will often help, or perhaps a change of scene. Even those who love may see each other too much and others too little. Seeing other friends and places helps to restore perspective so that the molehills that looked like mountains return to their real size, and the two can be all the happier because they see things in their true proportions again.
There is a growing understanding that incompatibility is not so much a necessary clash between two natures as it is a result of wrong training or a condition that people bring upon themselves; while compatibility is a happy state that married people gain by intelligent effort. It may be aided by good training and fortunate choice but it is not merely an accident. Seeming incompatibility can be corrected in many cases by studying how to lessen misunderstandings and annoyances, and how to grow in patience and mutual self-giving.
If people begin to rub each other the wrong way a change of subject and of interest will often help, or perhaps a change of scene. Even those who love may see each other too much and others too little. Seeing other friends and places helps to restore perspective so that the molehills that looked like mountains return to their real size, and the two can be all the happier because they see things in their true proportions again.
Chapter 5: Meeting Difficulties Constructively 2. Emotional Upsets
People who learn not to give way to emotional tantrums are more successful in marriage. Angry behavior, which is considered crude in any social group, is even more out of place for those who love. The realization of this will prevent much misery on both sides. Tennyson in his poem "The First Quarrel" shows in a startling way how anger may distort the mind with a hard and dangerous bitterness.
Often people act on impulses of which they are not fully aware. We fall out, we know not why. Our emotions are disturbed by unrecognized causes. Because we are experiencing some inner tension we take it out on someone else, and the marriage partner is likely to be the one. If we suffer from loneliness, jealousy, lack of self-confidence or frustration, the inner condition puts into our words and acts a tension that may be quite out of accord with the real love which we have in our hearts.
Moreover, we may flare up over some little thing, mainly because it sets off some old habit of irritation. In childhood, perhaps, we were compelled by some person whom we did not like to wear rubbers at play; then on a damp morning wife lovingly insists that we wear them to the office. Before we know it the old habit of irritation at being told to wear rubbers has flared up and wife does not know why we react in that way. Neither do we in fact. It is absurd, of course, but when we think about it, we realize that such unconscious influences are often at the roots of our behavior.
Other unrecognized sources of emotional flare-ups are in the unpleasant experiences that people have out in the world. Without being aware of it, they sometimes carry the emotional results into their home life. A woman has had an unpleasant experience in a store, or a man has gone through a difficult half-hour with the boss. There was indignation but it could not be expressed at the time. Such a person is all the more ready to become annoyed over some trifle in the home. Sometimes, before we know it, this comes out in an unfortunate way.
Some families have difficulties because it is hard for them to adjust to the real world of practical married love. When their love was in a dream world they did not give thought to the fact that marriage would have such unpleasant things as bills to pay or leaky water pipes or a TV set out of order. It all seems so different from romantic dreams, and one may unconsciously take out on the other his resentment at these harsh realities.
Married people should realize that most of the flare-ups of the home are not really serious. We should be mature enough to dismiss them lightly, or, better still, we should be thoughtful enough to prevent them.
The husband and wife should realize in advance that if they find themselves occasionally at odds it will not mean that they are unsuited to each other but rather that they need to learn some new lesson in cooperation. Sometimes, like mountain climbers, they will scale the heights only after considerable care but will be supremely rewarded for their toil and trouble.
People who want to do everything to build up their marriage and nothing to endanger it will do well to cultivate every habit and custom which adds its bit of pleasure and so helps to keep a stream of satisfactory happenings flowing through the daily life.
Often people act on impulses of which they are not fully aware. We fall out, we know not why. Our emotions are disturbed by unrecognized causes. Because we are experiencing some inner tension we take it out on someone else, and the marriage partner is likely to be the one. If we suffer from loneliness, jealousy, lack of self-confidence or frustration, the inner condition puts into our words and acts a tension that may be quite out of accord with the real love which we have in our hearts.
Moreover, we may flare up over some little thing, mainly because it sets off some old habit of irritation. In childhood, perhaps, we were compelled by some person whom we did not like to wear rubbers at play; then on a damp morning wife lovingly insists that we wear them to the office. Before we know it the old habit of irritation at being told to wear rubbers has flared up and wife does not know why we react in that way. Neither do we in fact. It is absurd, of course, but when we think about it, we realize that such unconscious influences are often at the roots of our behavior.
Other unrecognized sources of emotional flare-ups are in the unpleasant experiences that people have out in the world. Without being aware of it, they sometimes carry the emotional results into their home life. A woman has had an unpleasant experience in a store, or a man has gone through a difficult half-hour with the boss. There was indignation but it could not be expressed at the time. Such a person is all the more ready to become annoyed over some trifle in the home. Sometimes, before we know it, this comes out in an unfortunate way.
Some families have difficulties because it is hard for them to adjust to the real world of practical married love. When their love was in a dream world they did not give thought to the fact that marriage would have such unpleasant things as bills to pay or leaky water pipes or a TV set out of order. It all seems so different from romantic dreams, and one may unconsciously take out on the other his resentment at these harsh realities.
Married people should realize that most of the flare-ups of the home are not really serious. We should be mature enough to dismiss them lightly, or, better still, we should be thoughtful enough to prevent them.
The husband and wife should realize in advance that if they find themselves occasionally at odds it will not mean that they are unsuited to each other but rather that they need to learn some new lesson in cooperation. Sometimes, like mountain climbers, they will scale the heights only after considerable care but will be supremely rewarded for their toil and trouble.
People who want to do everything to build up their marriage and nothing to endanger it will do well to cultivate every habit and custom which adds its bit of pleasure and so helps to keep a stream of satisfactory happenings flowing through the daily life.
Chapter 5: Meeting Difficulties Constructively 1. Disagreements
Differences in a family are differences within a unity. The united mind of the two is wiser than the mind of either individual. Each can learn from the other, and when disagreements occur both should work back from the particular difference to the essential harmony which unites. A marriage is not like a debating society, in which the aim is to win out against the other side, but a team in which the two need to learn how best to pull together.
Characters do not change magically at the marriage altar, and any two people who establish a home together take into it some roots of disagreement. When such disagreements arise they should not take them too seriously, nor should one resent the fact that the other has a different point of view.
These differences may become stepping stones to finer adjustments or they may be turned into occasions of petty quarreling. In the latter case the two exhaust themselves by pulling against each other. Don't keep your mate on the defensive.
The strength of marriage is in harmony. Mere determination to carry one's point and to "see who is boss," is a form of pride and selfishness. But as the love of dominating others is a weakness quite common to human nature the married person must guard against it. A person with an extreme love of argument must keep this under control, unless both can take pleasure in debate and come out happier. A great danger is for a partner who loves arguments to keep them going with a mate who dislikes such experiences. One form of this is nagging, a thing which nobody likes.
However unreasonable the mate's position may seem he cannot change his point of view on command. When conflict comes each should be big enough to think somewhat like this: "Although my mate's point of view seems wrong to me, yet his way of thinking must be important to him. We must work out a better understanding."
In a quarrel it is not usually a case of one fully right and the other all wrong, but both seeing a question somewhat out of perspective because they are excited about it. By letting it rest a little each should presently get more insight into the merits of the position of the other, and a little less cocksureness about his own position.
When an argument arises if both will take the position of objective observers, asking what is happening and why, the situation will sometimes look ridiculous and both can laugh together. At other times the issue will be a real one but better met by further study of the question than by the clash of antagonism.
Disagreements area part of the common experience of humanity, married or single. Many of them arise because people misunderstand one another, because they take some word or act in a way that was never intended, or because they are over sensitive. Most dashes are preventable, especially in marriage. It has been said that nine-tenths of human misery is mere nonsense. Equally it should be realized that most of the things that cause difficulty in the home are trivial in comparison with the great things which the husband and wife have in common.
The late Dr. Ernest R. Groves, who helped many thousands of families to a finer success, advised the young wife to try to work out of every spat into a fuller appreciation of her husband's needs, to learn to look for his reasons and to make herself big enough to understand and tolerate them. Then, of course he gave similar advice to young men.
Permanent differences in temperament and outlook may be accepted in the realization that there are deeper joys and harmonies which more than compensate. Couples should look upon their differences as part of the exquisitely delicate adjustment that human personality requires. Among the finest marriages are some in which really difficult adjustments are made for the sake of a higher unity.
Characters do not change magically at the marriage altar, and any two people who establish a home together take into it some roots of disagreement. When such disagreements arise they should not take them too seriously, nor should one resent the fact that the other has a different point of view.
These differences may become stepping stones to finer adjustments or they may be turned into occasions of petty quarreling. In the latter case the two exhaust themselves by pulling against each other. Don't keep your mate on the defensive.
The strength of marriage is in harmony. Mere determination to carry one's point and to "see who is boss," is a form of pride and selfishness. But as the love of dominating others is a weakness quite common to human nature the married person must guard against it. A person with an extreme love of argument must keep this under control, unless both can take pleasure in debate and come out happier. A great danger is for a partner who loves arguments to keep them going with a mate who dislikes such experiences. One form of this is nagging, a thing which nobody likes.
However unreasonable the mate's position may seem he cannot change his point of view on command. When conflict comes each should be big enough to think somewhat like this: "Although my mate's point of view seems wrong to me, yet his way of thinking must be important to him. We must work out a better understanding."
In a quarrel it is not usually a case of one fully right and the other all wrong, but both seeing a question somewhat out of perspective because they are excited about it. By letting it rest a little each should presently get more insight into the merits of the position of the other, and a little less cocksureness about his own position.
When an argument arises if both will take the position of objective observers, asking what is happening and why, the situation will sometimes look ridiculous and both can laugh together. At other times the issue will be a real one but better met by further study of the question than by the clash of antagonism.
Disagreements area part of the common experience of humanity, married or single. Many of them arise because people misunderstand one another, because they take some word or act in a way that was never intended, or because they are over sensitive. Most dashes are preventable, especially in marriage. It has been said that nine-tenths of human misery is mere nonsense. Equally it should be realized that most of the things that cause difficulty in the home are trivial in comparison with the great things which the husband and wife have in common.
The late Dr. Ernest R. Groves, who helped many thousands of families to a finer success, advised the young wife to try to work out of every spat into a fuller appreciation of her husband's needs, to learn to look for his reasons and to make herself big enough to understand and tolerate them. Then, of course he gave similar advice to young men.
Permanent differences in temperament and outlook may be accepted in the realization that there are deeper joys and harmonies which more than compensate. Couples should look upon their differences as part of the exquisitely delicate adjustment that human personality requires. Among the finest marriages are some in which really difficult adjustments are made for the sake of a higher unity.
Chapter 5: Meeting Difficulties Constructively
Every family has difficulties to meet and no two couples are just alike in their problems or in their adjustments. Some have their greatest difficulties in one realm and some in another. Certain families have a fine degree of adjustment in every aspect of life, while others at times become maladjusted at almost every point. Many have periods of harmony interspersed with experiences of discord. When issues arise it is of great value if members can learn to meet them constructively, using each difficulty as a means of better mutual understanding.
Every test which we meet successfully gives us a better approach to the next one. The difference between marriages which make a fine success and those which fall short is not that the latter have problems while the former have none, but that the marriages which succeed splendidly are those in which the members approach each question with patience and with loyal determination to find the answer. Even some problems that seem insoluble can be outgrown.
The family which fails to gain in marriage what the partners seek is often one which allows grievances and misunderstandings to accumulate until the skies of love are overcast, creating an atmosphere in which fear, doubt and antagonism creep in.
The person who is learning to see life as a married person and a homemaker, rather than an individualist, will ask: "How can this particular situation be used for the good of our home?" In single life a person can be "I-minded" and get away with it, although not well, but a married person must become "we-minded." Each must feel that the other is on his side and not against him. This is the situation in true marriage. Many of the troubles of family life are caused or at least aggravated by using the single person's approach.
Every test which we meet successfully gives us a better approach to the next one. The difference between marriages which make a fine success and those which fall short is not that the latter have problems while the former have none, but that the marriages which succeed splendidly are those in which the members approach each question with patience and with loyal determination to find the answer. Even some problems that seem insoluble can be outgrown.
The family which fails to gain in marriage what the partners seek is often one which allows grievances and misunderstandings to accumulate until the skies of love are overcast, creating an atmosphere in which fear, doubt and antagonism creep in.
The person who is learning to see life as a married person and a homemaker, rather than an individualist, will ask: "How can this particular situation be used for the good of our home?" In single life a person can be "I-minded" and get away with it, although not well, but a married person must become "we-minded." Each must feel that the other is on his side and not against him. This is the situation in true marriage. Many of the troubles of family life are caused or at least aggravated by using the single person's approach.
Chapter 4: Physical Harmony 7. Continuation of Harmonious Adjustment
Successful marital union cannot become perfect all at once, but when the marriage is rightly conducted the blending of physical and spiritual elements is such that mutual respect and attraction increase and the two feel inexpressibly dear to each other. Such couples will have no use for divorce courts because to them marriage will be a development rather than a disillusionment.
Chapter 4: Physical Harmony 6. Overcoming Difficulties in Sexual Adjustment
Selfishness. Selfishness impairs all relationships in home life, including the sexual. The unselfish husband thinks of this form of intimacy in its effect upon his wife as much as for his own sake, while the selfish man uses sex as a mere personal gratification, and only aggravates his mate. He stimulates her sex passion but leaves it unsatisfied, giving her a sense of being abused and exploited rather than loved and treasured. So also the wife may on occasion fail to have sufficient consideration for her mate.
Both must learn to love unselfishly or they will never find the fulfillment of love's promise. The husband should learn to be sensitive to his wife's feelings, and each should understand the needs of the other.
Masturbation is an extreme instance of the use of sex in a self-centred way. The person who has become addicted to this immature practice and carries it into marriage may be defrauding the mate and making the normal relationship difficult. It may be said, however, that those persons who are tormented with the idea that masturbation in early life may have ruined their chances for adjustment or for full mental and physical health need to be set free from a fear that is groundless.
Faults of Sexual Approach. By wrong approach the husband may fail to make the marital relationship a means of charming and delighting his wife, but rather may repel her. With a demanding rather than a love-making attitude he neglects to bring his wife's sexual emotions into life. From ignorance he passes through a sequence of haste, and clumsiness, causing pain and possible aversion. This can be remedied by attention to the woman's needs and the ways of satisfying them which we have discussed!
Lack of Control. Another type of difficulty is experienced in a temporary inadequacy of the husband due to nervous fear that the new adjustment may be difficult. He may experience a quick ejaculation of the seminal fluid, after which he may be unable to bring his wife to her orgasm. Since the wife's emotional tide naturally rises more slowly, it is only by learning to delay his orgasm that the husband will be able fully to satisfy her. To learn this may take time, but if he will think of his love rather than his fears, and in the course of experience will seek to discover the positions and movements which bring his wife to her culmination while enabling him to delay his own, he will find it possible to lengthen the time of intercourse to their mutual benefit.
The husband will find it desirable to make the entrance gently, to allow a little time for the vagina to adjust itself to his entrance, and to remain quiet for a brief time whenever his own climax approaches before the wife is ready for hers. As the wife develops her true sexual personality, which was dormant in her girlhood, she will be able to have her orgasm more quickly. In the course of a few weeks or months the two who started out requiring dissimilar periods of time will probably find that the wife's culmination can be brought about more readily, and that of the husband can be delayed.
When there is difficulty the two may need to give themselves with greater joy and self-forgetfulness to preliminary love play and mutual petting. On the other hand such difficulty may indicate that they need to devote more attention to the creating of harmony in the ordinary relationships of the home.
The husband should try to have the wife's orgasm beginning before he allows his own to take place. While this may seem impossible to some couples in their early experience, it can be achieved in time by most. If after some months of marriage this is not found to be true, it will be time not to be discouraged but to seek advice, from books or a counselor.
Impotence. Seeming impotence is usually due to nervousness, fear, a wrong emotional attitude, or a wrong program of living. A young bridegroom who was working long hours writing a book, feared he was becoming impotent because he was frequently unable to carry intercourse through to mutual consummation. It was pointed out to him that as he was using so much energy in his work and was living a sedentary life, it was unreasonable to suppose that he ought to undertake intercourse as frequently as he had been led to believe. Relief of his worry along with a more sensible program of living brought improvement.
The impotence that some young men fear is usually imaginary. If a man forgets his anxiety and lives an active and wholesome life the occasion for his worry will usually vanish. If not it will be almost certainly curable through the help of a skilled physician. Paradoxically, however, use of alcohol first accentuates passion and in the end decreases sexual potency. A wife complained that when her husband was under the influence of alcohol he always wanted intercourse but was never able to carry it out.
Frigidity. Usually a woman should experience orgasm at least in a fair proportion of occasions of intercourse. There are some women, however, who have well developed responses short of climax. Women who are constitutionally frigid are few, perhaps one in a hundred, but those who arc frigid because of mental factors, such as fear, worry or an unworthy attitude toward marital union, are many. Therefore, it is necessary to give attention to those cases in which the sex life is inadequate because of factors which could be improved. If the sexual experience is unsatisfactory, let the wife reflect that this may be a result of mental bias, and subject to correction. If she were hopelessly frigid she probably would not have loved ardently. Having so loved, let her realize that her coldness is in some degree inconsistent with her love.
Let such a person realize that the other values of friendship could have been secured in other ways. Anyone incurably prejudiced against the marital relationship ought to remain unmarried or to discover whence comes her inhibition; but a woman who has entered marriage with this point of view ought to take herself in hand, to heal the sickness of her mind. Many women who have been frigid or partly so at first, have gradually learned to be normal, greatly improving their married life, through the removal of some mental or physical impediment to complete union.
Physical sex response takes some exuberance, which the over-tired woman or the woman who takes little care of her health may not possess. Fullness and vigor of life are worth cultivating and preserving for many reasons, and for few, if any, more important than that they help the wife and mother to be her best in family life. However, it should be assumed that if sickness should come to either mate the other would of course, show all possible consideration, finding other ways of expressing love in tenderness toward the one who is ill.
Some women experience strong and frequently recurring sex desire and yet fail of sexual fulfillment with their husbands. Such a wife should not necessarily assume that the husband is at fault. In such cases a careful study of their problem, perhaps with the aid of a skilled counselor, would be desirable both for the husband and for the wife.
As to mental attitude, though it is difficult by an act of will to change our deep-seated emotional reactions, progress can be made in this also when it is undertaken with patience and determination. The attitude of love should rule so that fear may be overcome.
When Adjustment Is Difficult. In the rare cases in which a fully satisfactory adjustment is impossible let the couple put all the meaning of their mutual devotion into the sex life they can have and compensate by making the other parts of their experience together unusually happy and companionable. Although they fail of ideal physical adjustment they may find a total sharing of life that is a great joy to them through shared devotion to their children and through such common interests as the home, work, hobbies, friends, social activities, congenial intellectual pursuits, or devotion to art or to religion. The thing for them to do is to cultivate success in other areas rather than to worry when perfect sexual adjustment is lacking. After all there is no way of achieving an ideal relationship for those whose main demand is for mere gratification.
The finest and most complete union of personalities is the real end and aim of marriage. This can be achieved by many to whom perfect sexual union is denied. It is, after all, the entire nature, rather than just the sexual nature, that is to be expressed in marriage. While all forms of fulfillment are to be desired, a rich fulfillment on the personality level is the greatest and most enduring reward of a fine marriage. Research studies have shown that personality factors are more important tor success in marriage than physical factors. Marriages which do not stop short of the highest goals of understanding, appreciation and comradeship are the ones that hold up best.
Both must learn to love unselfishly or they will never find the fulfillment of love's promise. The husband should learn to be sensitive to his wife's feelings, and each should understand the needs of the other.
Masturbation is an extreme instance of the use of sex in a self-centred way. The person who has become addicted to this immature practice and carries it into marriage may be defrauding the mate and making the normal relationship difficult. It may be said, however, that those persons who are tormented with the idea that masturbation in early life may have ruined their chances for adjustment or for full mental and physical health need to be set free from a fear that is groundless.
Faults of Sexual Approach. By wrong approach the husband may fail to make the marital relationship a means of charming and delighting his wife, but rather may repel her. With a demanding rather than a love-making attitude he neglects to bring his wife's sexual emotions into life. From ignorance he passes through a sequence of haste, and clumsiness, causing pain and possible aversion. This can be remedied by attention to the woman's needs and the ways of satisfying them which we have discussed!
Lack of Control. Another type of difficulty is experienced in a temporary inadequacy of the husband due to nervous fear that the new adjustment may be difficult. He may experience a quick ejaculation of the seminal fluid, after which he may be unable to bring his wife to her orgasm. Since the wife's emotional tide naturally rises more slowly, it is only by learning to delay his orgasm that the husband will be able fully to satisfy her. To learn this may take time, but if he will think of his love rather than his fears, and in the course of experience will seek to discover the positions and movements which bring his wife to her culmination while enabling him to delay his own, he will find it possible to lengthen the time of intercourse to their mutual benefit.
The husband will find it desirable to make the entrance gently, to allow a little time for the vagina to adjust itself to his entrance, and to remain quiet for a brief time whenever his own climax approaches before the wife is ready for hers. As the wife develops her true sexual personality, which was dormant in her girlhood, she will be able to have her orgasm more quickly. In the course of a few weeks or months the two who started out requiring dissimilar periods of time will probably find that the wife's culmination can be brought about more readily, and that of the husband can be delayed.
When there is difficulty the two may need to give themselves with greater joy and self-forgetfulness to preliminary love play and mutual petting. On the other hand such difficulty may indicate that they need to devote more attention to the creating of harmony in the ordinary relationships of the home.
The husband should try to have the wife's orgasm beginning before he allows his own to take place. While this may seem impossible to some couples in their early experience, it can be achieved in time by most. If after some months of marriage this is not found to be true, it will be time not to be discouraged but to seek advice, from books or a counselor.
Impotence. Seeming impotence is usually due to nervousness, fear, a wrong emotional attitude, or a wrong program of living. A young bridegroom who was working long hours writing a book, feared he was becoming impotent because he was frequently unable to carry intercourse through to mutual consummation. It was pointed out to him that as he was using so much energy in his work and was living a sedentary life, it was unreasonable to suppose that he ought to undertake intercourse as frequently as he had been led to believe. Relief of his worry along with a more sensible program of living brought improvement.
The impotence that some young men fear is usually imaginary. If a man forgets his anxiety and lives an active and wholesome life the occasion for his worry will usually vanish. If not it will be almost certainly curable through the help of a skilled physician. Paradoxically, however, use of alcohol first accentuates passion and in the end decreases sexual potency. A wife complained that when her husband was under the influence of alcohol he always wanted intercourse but was never able to carry it out.
Frigidity. Usually a woman should experience orgasm at least in a fair proportion of occasions of intercourse. There are some women, however, who have well developed responses short of climax. Women who are constitutionally frigid are few, perhaps one in a hundred, but those who arc frigid because of mental factors, such as fear, worry or an unworthy attitude toward marital union, are many. Therefore, it is necessary to give attention to those cases in which the sex life is inadequate because of factors which could be improved. If the sexual experience is unsatisfactory, let the wife reflect that this may be a result of mental bias, and subject to correction. If she were hopelessly frigid she probably would not have loved ardently. Having so loved, let her realize that her coldness is in some degree inconsistent with her love.
Let such a person realize that the other values of friendship could have been secured in other ways. Anyone incurably prejudiced against the marital relationship ought to remain unmarried or to discover whence comes her inhibition; but a woman who has entered marriage with this point of view ought to take herself in hand, to heal the sickness of her mind. Many women who have been frigid or partly so at first, have gradually learned to be normal, greatly improving their married life, through the removal of some mental or physical impediment to complete union.
Physical sex response takes some exuberance, which the over-tired woman or the woman who takes little care of her health may not possess. Fullness and vigor of life are worth cultivating and preserving for many reasons, and for few, if any, more important than that they help the wife and mother to be her best in family life. However, it should be assumed that if sickness should come to either mate the other would of course, show all possible consideration, finding other ways of expressing love in tenderness toward the one who is ill.
Some women experience strong and frequently recurring sex desire and yet fail of sexual fulfillment with their husbands. Such a wife should not necessarily assume that the husband is at fault. In such cases a careful study of their problem, perhaps with the aid of a skilled counselor, would be desirable both for the husband and for the wife.
As to mental attitude, though it is difficult by an act of will to change our deep-seated emotional reactions, progress can be made in this also when it is undertaken with patience and determination. The attitude of love should rule so that fear may be overcome.
When Adjustment Is Difficult. In the rare cases in which a fully satisfactory adjustment is impossible let the couple put all the meaning of their mutual devotion into the sex life they can have and compensate by making the other parts of their experience together unusually happy and companionable. Although they fail of ideal physical adjustment they may find a total sharing of life that is a great joy to them through shared devotion to their children and through such common interests as the home, work, hobbies, friends, social activities, congenial intellectual pursuits, or devotion to art or to religion. The thing for them to do is to cultivate success in other areas rather than to worry when perfect sexual adjustment is lacking. After all there is no way of achieving an ideal relationship for those whose main demand is for mere gratification.
The finest and most complete union of personalities is the real end and aim of marriage. This can be achieved by many to whom perfect sexual union is denied. It is, after all, the entire nature, rather than just the sexual nature, that is to be expressed in marriage. While all forms of fulfillment are to be desired, a rich fulfillment on the personality level is the greatest and most enduring reward of a fine marriage. Research studies have shown that personality factors are more important tor success in marriage than physical factors. Marriages which do not stop short of the highest goals of understanding, appreciation and comradeship are the ones that hold up best.
Chapter 4: Physical Harmony 5. Sexual Union
When the husband is able to make his wife feel supremely happy in his embraces and kisses, it is altogether likely that she will be able to go along with him to the complete realization of the marital experience, making it a high point of love for both. For the husband the art of sexual love-making is to find the times when both can enter with splendid abandon into a passionate expression of their unity and also to discover the ways which are favorable to complete mutuality in this experience.
When the desire of the wife has been aroused she will experience a feeling of keenest delight in her husband and will be ready for complete intercourse. He may effect an entrance with gentleness, then after allowing enough time, a few minutes perhaps, for the organs to become adjusted to each other, he may begin movement slowly so as to avoid premature climax, which a young husband is likely to experience through nervousness even for a considerable time.
Rhythm has a part to play in sexual union. The husband almost instinctively finds himself moving and the wife may learn to respond in somewhat the same way. With variation in closeness and contact, and in vigor or activity, perhaps with vigorous thrusting on the husband's part, the two will gradually experience an increasing sense of oneness, of wellbeing and of pleasure in each other.
They should learn to develop this experience at somewhat the same rate until both reach a climax of mutual pleasure and release of sex tension called an orgasm. This brings a flowing forth of the seminal discharge from the husband which has a soothing influence. In orgasm the wife experiences a series of quick breaths and muscular movements of an involuntary character which area prelude to a climax of sensation followed by a sense of peace and wellbeing.
This moment in the love of the husband and wife is a most appropriate one for some word of devotion, mutual joy and appreciation. Moreover when this point has been reached the two should still remain together for a little time of gradually lessened lovemaking during which there will be a gradual decline in sex feeling. This period will provide a pleasant aftermath.
Usually the two do nothing to renew sexual passion but rather let it decline gently. Presently they will want to go to sleep, perhaps in each other's arms. Some women, however, experience one or more preliminary orgasms leading up to the final consummation of their sexual self-fulfillment.
In both sexes nature has provided a general pattern of success in marital union and a variety of possible variants of the pattern, and it is highly desirable for both to secure complete expression of sex as provided for in the nervous and glandular system. Chronic sexual dissatisfaction is detrimental to the wife's nervous health. It is noteworthy that sexual health and nervous poise are related to each other.
It is to be remembered that the sex part of life interacts with every other part, being affected by health conditions, by the degree of freshness or fatigue of the individual, by harmony in personal relationships in general, by mental poise and calm, and by the question whether the physical experience is something which is sought merely for itself or whether it is a culmination of an attitude of mutual self-giving which permeates all the experiences of life and expresses the special unity of the two.
The first principle is mutuality. Let the complete sexual expression of married love be sought when it is agreeable to both. To each it should be a joy generously to meet the sexual needs of the other and this art can be learned more perfectly as time goes on. It will be found that a finer and more complete experience results from moderation and from great consideration for each other. If the husband and wife seem to differ greatly in their sea needs, they will do well to learn patience, but also to make a determined effort to solve their problem and to meet each other's requirements.
How often complete sexual expression should' be added to the ordinary endearments of every day is o matter for sensible people to decide in accordance with their own experience. Individuals and couples vary. In Terman's report already referred to, the great majority of younger couples came within range from three to twelve times per month, with a few below three and a few above twelve. Frequency declines somewhat with age.
There is need of moderation in all good things including the sexual union of husbands and wives, The groom should realize that in the early enthusiasm of marriage it is possible to establish a habit of having union more frequently than would be desirable as a permanent thing. The bride also should know that it is possible for her to desire union more frequently than her husband can continue to be organically ready for it.
Sometimes the sexual needs of the wife will seem greater and sometimes those of the husband. The problem for the pair will be to understand each other well enough so that all occasions of sexual fellowship shall be mutually desired and accompanied by a keen sense of joy in each other.
Many women have a peak of sensitivity just before or just after menstruation, or both before and after. There are some who believe that a more satisfactory marital experience is found by those who unite as they may wish at this time but maintain abstinence at other times. Intercourse before the mid-period most often results in conception, whereas in the week before the period conception is least likely.
Variation and experiment in procedure will be pleasing to many couples. Gradually the two will discover positions which are most agreeable to them. At the beginning of marriage, or if the wife's health is not robust, or during pregnancy it might be better for her to be uppermost or alongside her husband rather than in the usual position, namely on her back. Coitus during pregnancy is often desired. It is necessary, however, that the husband be gentle, avoid undue pressure and stop one to three months before labor is due. The husband should not impose more weight upon the wife than is pleasing to her.
The couple should experiment freely and use positions best suited to them, approaching this subject without fear or embarrassment. They are made for each other, and will find happiness in giving themselves fully to each other.
In addition to considerations of position the married lovers may well give attention to the general aesthetic surroundings, that their high experience of love may be given a pleasing setting, neither in darkness nor in glaring illumination. Having a light, of course, is optional. Above all other things is the need of an atmosphere of mutual appreciation, of love and of peace.
When the desire of the wife has been aroused she will experience a feeling of keenest delight in her husband and will be ready for complete intercourse. He may effect an entrance with gentleness, then after allowing enough time, a few minutes perhaps, for the organs to become adjusted to each other, he may begin movement slowly so as to avoid premature climax, which a young husband is likely to experience through nervousness even for a considerable time.
Rhythm has a part to play in sexual union. The husband almost instinctively finds himself moving and the wife may learn to respond in somewhat the same way. With variation in closeness and contact, and in vigor or activity, perhaps with vigorous thrusting on the husband's part, the two will gradually experience an increasing sense of oneness, of wellbeing and of pleasure in each other.
They should learn to develop this experience at somewhat the same rate until both reach a climax of mutual pleasure and release of sex tension called an orgasm. This brings a flowing forth of the seminal discharge from the husband which has a soothing influence. In orgasm the wife experiences a series of quick breaths and muscular movements of an involuntary character which area prelude to a climax of sensation followed by a sense of peace and wellbeing.
This moment in the love of the husband and wife is a most appropriate one for some word of devotion, mutual joy and appreciation. Moreover when this point has been reached the two should still remain together for a little time of gradually lessened lovemaking during which there will be a gradual decline in sex feeling. This period will provide a pleasant aftermath.
Usually the two do nothing to renew sexual passion but rather let it decline gently. Presently they will want to go to sleep, perhaps in each other's arms. Some women, however, experience one or more preliminary orgasms leading up to the final consummation of their sexual self-fulfillment.
In both sexes nature has provided a general pattern of success in marital union and a variety of possible variants of the pattern, and it is highly desirable for both to secure complete expression of sex as provided for in the nervous and glandular system. Chronic sexual dissatisfaction is detrimental to the wife's nervous health. It is noteworthy that sexual health and nervous poise are related to each other.
It is to be remembered that the sex part of life interacts with every other part, being affected by health conditions, by the degree of freshness or fatigue of the individual, by harmony in personal relationships in general, by mental poise and calm, and by the question whether the physical experience is something which is sought merely for itself or whether it is a culmination of an attitude of mutual self-giving which permeates all the experiences of life and expresses the special unity of the two.
The first principle is mutuality. Let the complete sexual expression of married love be sought when it is agreeable to both. To each it should be a joy generously to meet the sexual needs of the other and this art can be learned more perfectly as time goes on. It will be found that a finer and more complete experience results from moderation and from great consideration for each other. If the husband and wife seem to differ greatly in their sea needs, they will do well to learn patience, but also to make a determined effort to solve their problem and to meet each other's requirements.
How often complete sexual expression should' be added to the ordinary endearments of every day is o matter for sensible people to decide in accordance with their own experience. Individuals and couples vary. In Terman's report already referred to, the great majority of younger couples came within range from three to twelve times per month, with a few below three and a few above twelve. Frequency declines somewhat with age.
There is need of moderation in all good things including the sexual union of husbands and wives, The groom should realize that in the early enthusiasm of marriage it is possible to establish a habit of having union more frequently than would be desirable as a permanent thing. The bride also should know that it is possible for her to desire union more frequently than her husband can continue to be organically ready for it.
Sometimes the sexual needs of the wife will seem greater and sometimes those of the husband. The problem for the pair will be to understand each other well enough so that all occasions of sexual fellowship shall be mutually desired and accompanied by a keen sense of joy in each other.
Many women have a peak of sensitivity just before or just after menstruation, or both before and after. There are some who believe that a more satisfactory marital experience is found by those who unite as they may wish at this time but maintain abstinence at other times. Intercourse before the mid-period most often results in conception, whereas in the week before the period conception is least likely.
Variation and experiment in procedure will be pleasing to many couples. Gradually the two will discover positions which are most agreeable to them. At the beginning of marriage, or if the wife's health is not robust, or during pregnancy it might be better for her to be uppermost or alongside her husband rather than in the usual position, namely on her back. Coitus during pregnancy is often desired. It is necessary, however, that the husband be gentle, avoid undue pressure and stop one to three months before labor is due. The husband should not impose more weight upon the wife than is pleasing to her.
The couple should experiment freely and use positions best suited to them, approaching this subject without fear or embarrassment. They are made for each other, and will find happiness in giving themselves fully to each other.
In addition to considerations of position the married lovers may well give attention to the general aesthetic surroundings, that their high experience of love may be given a pleasing setting, neither in darkness nor in glaring illumination. Having a light, of course, is optional. Above all other things is the need of an atmosphere of mutual appreciation, of love and of peace.
Chapter 4: Physical Harmony 4. Love Play
The young pair will realize that it is more artistic to surround their sexual union with an atmosphere of play and wooing. In marriage there is not only joy but playfulness. This is especially desirable in preparation for complete sexual fellowship. The husband naturally delights in fondling and caressing his wife, using hands and lips freely, and when she is awakened she will want to respond, each feeling that every part of the body of the other is inexpressibly precious. Both should enter into this love play without the slightest fear and with mutual joy in contacts which give special delight.
Chapter 4: Physical Harmony 3. The Honeymoon
The honeymoon is a time set apart for the beginning of various new adjustments, and it ought to be a comparatively brief period free from hurry and distraction. It is better to spend it at some restful place, such as a hotel or cabin by a lake than in traveling and sightseeing. Weddings should be early enough in the day to enable the bride and groom to have their evening together at the first place of destination, rather than to spend it in traveling.
This period may be made a time to which the mates will look back with wonder and delight, and for this reason it is of the utmost importance that the husband and wife should know how to bind their lives more closely together. During these early days it is possible for the husband to show his bride that love in marriage is even more beautiful than anything she has ever known before, and it is worth everything if they can start their life together in that way.
Whatever else a wife wants in her husband, the normal wife is sure to want him to be a lover. This will help him during the honeymoon to dissolve any barriers of uncertainty or fear that the bride may have. If, however, he breaks through these barriers with harshness, the two may remember the beginning of their marriage with unnecessary pain and regret. Let not the husband think that just because the wedding has taken place he may demand intercourse, for to approach this experience as a right to be claimed may spoil it temporarily for both.
At all times, and especially at the time of timidity and uncertainty of the inception of the new relationship, the wife wants to be courted and loved rather than forced either physically or mentally. Her nature is such that love means everything to her, and the tenderest and most intimate physical expression of union may be made such as to thrill her whole being.
Great gentleness along with strength on the bridegroom's part will be well repaid. As he has wooed her and won her to marriage, all the more should he woo his bride to the new experiences. It is only the occasional woman who will respond best to the cave-man type. The bridegroom's purpose is not to gain something for which he has long waited, but to lay a foundation for a lifetime of happiness together.
On the other hand, let not the bride insult the husband who is keeping himself for her, by regarding his passion as something unworthy. This is an affront to his manhood and unworthy of her as a mature woman, because absence of desire is a fault on her part.
This period may be made a time to which the mates will look back with wonder and delight, and for this reason it is of the utmost importance that the husband and wife should know how to bind their lives more closely together. During these early days it is possible for the husband to show his bride that love in marriage is even more beautiful than anything she has ever known before, and it is worth everything if they can start their life together in that way.
Whatever else a wife wants in her husband, the normal wife is sure to want him to be a lover. This will help him during the honeymoon to dissolve any barriers of uncertainty or fear that the bride may have. If, however, he breaks through these barriers with harshness, the two may remember the beginning of their marriage with unnecessary pain and regret. Let not the husband think that just because the wedding has taken place he may demand intercourse, for to approach this experience as a right to be claimed may spoil it temporarily for both.
At all times, and especially at the time of timidity and uncertainty of the inception of the new relationship, the wife wants to be courted and loved rather than forced either physically or mentally. Her nature is such that love means everything to her, and the tenderest and most intimate physical expression of union may be made such as to thrill her whole being.
Great gentleness along with strength on the bridegroom's part will be well repaid. As he has wooed her and won her to marriage, all the more should he woo his bride to the new experiences. It is only the occasional woman who will respond best to the cave-man type. The bridegroom's purpose is not to gain something for which he has long waited, but to lay a foundation for a lifetime of happiness together.
On the other hand, let not the bride insult the husband who is keeping himself for her, by regarding his passion as something unworthy. This is an affront to his manhood and unworthy of her as a mature woman, because absence of desire is a fault on her part.
Chapter 4: Physical Harmony 2: Sex Differences Understood
A young woman went to an older friend and said, "I am going to be married, but I don't know what it is all about." There are many like her, and perhaps as many more who know certain things in a misleading way. Persons approaching marriage and others who have entered it ignorantly are likely to need plain and concrete instruction dealing with the names and functions of the most important organs of sex. In past times an over prudish point of view was unwilling even to learn names for these parts of the body.
The bride will find that the husband's special organ for sexual union, the penis, is capable of becoming considerably enlarged for the experience of intercourse, so that it becomes stiff or erect. In this condition it projects outward at an angle which facilitates entrance into the vagina of the wife, which is able perfectly to receive it to the mutual pleasure of the mates. At the end of the penis the glans, or head, always maintains a soft and velvety condition. In this part of the organ the husband's sexual feeling is largely centralized.
While the body as a workshop is always a marvelous thing, it shows remarkable mechanisms in some of the sexual organs. The scrotum or flexible sac hanging back of the penis contains the two testicles, which are egg-shaped glands containing a series of tiny tubules in which sperm cells called spermatozoa are produced. In the intermediate structures is manufactured the chemical product called the male sex hormone which circulating day by day in the blood stream beginning at puberty acts to produce the traits of manhood, to aid physical and mental vigor, and to condition the system for sexual sensitivity.
The spermatozoa of microscopic size exist in the semen, a fluid which is produced in the testicles, prostate gland and seminal vesicles, and is discharged at the climax of intercourse, each act carrying hundreds of millions. These tiny sperm cells are vigorously active in the semen and in the secretions of the vagina, and if one meets and unites with an egg in the body of the wife, conception takes place. Within a minute or two from the time of its discharge the sperm cell may have passed from the vagina into the uterus, and in an hour, or a few hours, it may have reached the oviduct.
Two smaller glandular sacs located back of the bladder are called the seminal vesicles. These secrete an opalescent fluid, which with the addition of the secretion of the prostate gland, constitutes a large part of the semen, and acts as vehicle and stimulant for the spermatozoa.
As all the sex glands are secreting steadily, the supply of semen and its vehicles at times becomes such that distention occurs all along the tract. This produces a condition of sexual excitability, but Nature provides for occasional relief through emission of semen in sleep with sex feeling and usually with an erotic dream. In the case of a married man this condition gives an impulse toward the marital relationship with the wife. This urge is therefore a sign of health and of love rather than an unworthy thing as some have thought. Since men are accustomed to seminal emission from puberty onward the sex urge is more definite in the normal experience of the groom than in that of the virgin bride.
The female sex organs are chiefly internal. Between the thighs lies the vulva with the "outer lips," or fleshy folds, called "labia majors," and-the "inner lips," thinner folds, called "labia minora." Beneath the anterior junction of the "inner lips" is a very important organ called the clitoris, whose only purpose is to give sex feeling. This is a sort of miniature female replica of the male organ, and, like the penis, capable of erection in sex excitement. It is, however, very small. In perfect intercourse this organ is intensely stimulated by contact and by friction.
Within the vulva is the opening of the vagina, a passage lined with mucous membrane and circled by a loop of muscles, which in time of sex excitement relax to contain the husband's organ, and adjust themselves to it perfectly. The inner vulva is provided with glands which secrete a transparent fluid for the purpose of lubrication enabling the husband easily to effect an entrance. However, if the wife's sexual feelings are not aroused the entrance may be dry and unready. In this condition intercourse is likely to give discomfort which defeats the true aim of harmony and mutual delight.
The muscles looped around the vagina are capable also of spasm or closure in some cases of fear and mental antagonism, so that extra gentleness is required in these cases, otherwise the sex relationship may become unpleasant or virtually impossible.
In the condition of virginity the entrance to the vagina is partly covered by the hymen membrane, with an opening that can stretch easily an inch in diameter. Occasionally this will have been enlarged by local treatment by a physician. If this membrane remains and is nicked by intercourse, some pain will be experienced in the first act of union.
In the past the few drops of blood thus caused have been valued as proof of virginity. It may be argued, however, that a woman's virginity may be assured without this particular test. If, however, the bride is willing to have the sex life start with some discomfort or pain, and will make allowances in her mind for this sort of initiation, there is no great difficulty for the majority of women; for in many cases the distress is slight and the bleeding confined to a drop or two, so that even at the start pleasurable feeling predominates.
Ina few women, however, the hymen is so thick that treatment is needed. A physician can easily correct the situation in such rare cases. As gentle stretching is one method it is becoming not uncommon for medical counselors on marriage to advise self-stretching of the hymen and to let the sensible bride herself undertake the process by dilating the entrance to the vagina daily with her fingers just before marriage, and, if after marriage there is difficulty, to continue the process. This will usually remedy those cases which would otherwise cause difficulty in early sexual adjustment.
Examination of both parties by a physician is desirable in a number of ways. The doctor's counsel will help the couple to meet any special problems that they may have, and to remove fears or false ideas.
At the end of the vagina and at right angles with it is the uterus or womb, which though only three inches long can grow to hold a child. The sperm must pass from the vagina through a narrow neck into the womb if pregnancy is to take place. From the upper and outer corners of the uterus the Fallopian tubes lead right and left to the ovaries.
From the ovaries eggs, one about every twenty eight days, are released into the Fallopian tubes. If impregnation does not take place the egg, which is the size of the tiniest period in print, is expelled and menstruation occurs. The ovaries also produce hormones, which enter the blood stream and produce the traits of femininity.
In physical union it is desirable that the various sex parts should be brought into activity and vitality, each in its appropriate way. Perfect success at the beginning is almost too much to expect, but patience of each with the self and with the other will usually win its reward, for both husband and wife will improve with experience. Months may be needed for complete adjustment.
The bride will find that the husband's special organ for sexual union, the penis, is capable of becoming considerably enlarged for the experience of intercourse, so that it becomes stiff or erect. In this condition it projects outward at an angle which facilitates entrance into the vagina of the wife, which is able perfectly to receive it to the mutual pleasure of the mates. At the end of the penis the glans, or head, always maintains a soft and velvety condition. In this part of the organ the husband's sexual feeling is largely centralized.
While the body as a workshop is always a marvelous thing, it shows remarkable mechanisms in some of the sexual organs. The scrotum or flexible sac hanging back of the penis contains the two testicles, which are egg-shaped glands containing a series of tiny tubules in which sperm cells called spermatozoa are produced. In the intermediate structures is manufactured the chemical product called the male sex hormone which circulating day by day in the blood stream beginning at puberty acts to produce the traits of manhood, to aid physical and mental vigor, and to condition the system for sexual sensitivity.
The spermatozoa of microscopic size exist in the semen, a fluid which is produced in the testicles, prostate gland and seminal vesicles, and is discharged at the climax of intercourse, each act carrying hundreds of millions. These tiny sperm cells are vigorously active in the semen and in the secretions of the vagina, and if one meets and unites with an egg in the body of the wife, conception takes place. Within a minute or two from the time of its discharge the sperm cell may have passed from the vagina into the uterus, and in an hour, or a few hours, it may have reached the oviduct.
Two smaller glandular sacs located back of the bladder are called the seminal vesicles. These secrete an opalescent fluid, which with the addition of the secretion of the prostate gland, constitutes a large part of the semen, and acts as vehicle and stimulant for the spermatozoa.
As all the sex glands are secreting steadily, the supply of semen and its vehicles at times becomes such that distention occurs all along the tract. This produces a condition of sexual excitability, but Nature provides for occasional relief through emission of semen in sleep with sex feeling and usually with an erotic dream. In the case of a married man this condition gives an impulse toward the marital relationship with the wife. This urge is therefore a sign of health and of love rather than an unworthy thing as some have thought. Since men are accustomed to seminal emission from puberty onward the sex urge is more definite in the normal experience of the groom than in that of the virgin bride.
The female sex organs are chiefly internal. Between the thighs lies the vulva with the "outer lips," or fleshy folds, called "labia majors," and-the "inner lips," thinner folds, called "labia minora." Beneath the anterior junction of the "inner lips" is a very important organ called the clitoris, whose only purpose is to give sex feeling. This is a sort of miniature female replica of the male organ, and, like the penis, capable of erection in sex excitement. It is, however, very small. In perfect intercourse this organ is intensely stimulated by contact and by friction.
Within the vulva is the opening of the vagina, a passage lined with mucous membrane and circled by a loop of muscles, which in time of sex excitement relax to contain the husband's organ, and adjust themselves to it perfectly. The inner vulva is provided with glands which secrete a transparent fluid for the purpose of lubrication enabling the husband easily to effect an entrance. However, if the wife's sexual feelings are not aroused the entrance may be dry and unready. In this condition intercourse is likely to give discomfort which defeats the true aim of harmony and mutual delight.
The muscles looped around the vagina are capable also of spasm or closure in some cases of fear and mental antagonism, so that extra gentleness is required in these cases, otherwise the sex relationship may become unpleasant or virtually impossible.
In the condition of virginity the entrance to the vagina is partly covered by the hymen membrane, with an opening that can stretch easily an inch in diameter. Occasionally this will have been enlarged by local treatment by a physician. If this membrane remains and is nicked by intercourse, some pain will be experienced in the first act of union.
In the past the few drops of blood thus caused have been valued as proof of virginity. It may be argued, however, that a woman's virginity may be assured without this particular test. If, however, the bride is willing to have the sex life start with some discomfort or pain, and will make allowances in her mind for this sort of initiation, there is no great difficulty for the majority of women; for in many cases the distress is slight and the bleeding confined to a drop or two, so that even at the start pleasurable feeling predominates.
Ina few women, however, the hymen is so thick that treatment is needed. A physician can easily correct the situation in such rare cases. As gentle stretching is one method it is becoming not uncommon for medical counselors on marriage to advise self-stretching of the hymen and to let the sensible bride herself undertake the process by dilating the entrance to the vagina daily with her fingers just before marriage, and, if after marriage there is difficulty, to continue the process. This will usually remedy those cases which would otherwise cause difficulty in early sexual adjustment.
Examination of both parties by a physician is desirable in a number of ways. The doctor's counsel will help the couple to meet any special problems that they may have, and to remove fears or false ideas.
At the end of the vagina and at right angles with it is the uterus or womb, which though only three inches long can grow to hold a child. The sperm must pass from the vagina through a narrow neck into the womb if pregnancy is to take place. From the upper and outer corners of the uterus the Fallopian tubes lead right and left to the ovaries.
From the ovaries eggs, one about every twenty eight days, are released into the Fallopian tubes. If impregnation does not take place the egg, which is the size of the tiniest period in print, is expelled and menstruation occurs. The ovaries also produce hormones, which enter the blood stream and produce the traits of femininity.
In physical union it is desirable that the various sex parts should be brought into activity and vitality, each in its appropriate way. Perfect success at the beginning is almost too much to expect, but patience of each with the self and with the other will usually win its reward, for both husband and wife will improve with experience. Months may be needed for complete adjustment.
Chapter 4: Physical Harmony 1: The Point of View
People who have a wholehearted and unselfish devotion to each other will learn some things almost instinctively, yet in other matters they will need instruction. No person is born a husband or a wife, but the honest-hearted lover can learn to be one or the other. It is worthy of special emphasis that the two must continue to be lovers if they are to know fully what it means to be husband and wife, to love with heart and mind and soul and also to love with the physical nature.
The existence of physical differences enables the mates to benefit and supplement each other in many ways. Marriage is founded on the differences which add to mutual attraction. Without these differences life would be shorn of the romance of courtship, and the joys of family experience. Because of them, married lovers are able to charm and delight each other in many endearments of daily life.
At the same time their differences in emotional nature require understanding. The comparatively steady nature of the husband's emotional life makes it all more necessary that he understand the ebb and flow of his wife's vitality, from the periods when she is less vigorous physically but unusually sensitive emotionally, to the times when superlatively full of life she longs for fullest renewal of romance. The wife should not expect her husband to share her moods fully, but taking him as he is, she should be delicately skilful in stimulating and appropriating his manly impulses of love. With such an understanding the mates will be friends and partners of the closest and dearest kind, and more. The something more is expressed in the sex relationship.
Sex in marriage is not merely a physical pleasure but an expression of pleasure in marriage itself. However it is not, as some have seemed to think, the only key to marital happiness.' Marriage is a union of personalities and the sex relationship is an expression and a symbol of that union. Harmony in personal relations aids physical harmony, and vice versa.
Formerly some held that only men were strongly sexed. A better understanding reveals that while individuals differ greatly the sexual needs of women are as real as those of men although different. The fact that the sex impulse is more easily aroused in men, and that in some cases it is never fully awakened in women, has misled many about woman's nature, but the wife who is normal in this respect may congratulate herself that she is not lacking in one of the endowments of a complete personality. She can the more perfectly give and receive full happiness in marriage and can experience a harmony with her husband that will strengthen their union.
The powerful natural energy of sex becomes an aid in marriage when both mates maintain their attractiveness for each other, and when they understand how to use their marital union as an expression of love and of delight in each other.
A helpful point of view about the sexes is given in the Book of Genesis, in which we have the statement that God made the race male and female. This is followed shortly by the declaration, "And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good."
A less happy idea, coming down from ancient times and still persisting in some quarters, is that the body is evil and is an impediment to the soul. This leads to an unworthy view of bodily functions, whereas respect for marriage makes it natural for us to think of marital union as an expression of love and fellowship.
This is in accord with a right understanding of the place of physical things, for they get their meaning in relation to their use. As in the piano the metal and wood, though material, are aids to the production of music, as the fingers of the artist are identified with his work, so the body is an instrument of personality, and not an impediment unless abused.
In marriage the. element of mutual respect and of regard for the sacredness of the family makes sexual union a fine and delicate means of expression of the grace of true love. When this outward expression is frustrated the excellence of the personal relationship is likely to be impaired through resulting nervous tensions. Sexual union in marriage, then, is not thought of as a duty which one mate owes to the other, but as a most intense expression of conjugal devotion.
This also is a reason why sex outside marriage defeats the aim of our complete nature, which calls not merely for an appeasement of the sex hunger, but for a satisfying and stable family life. This gift when used for love and the family builds up personality, but used irresponsibly it makes fora shallow and distorted nature, which cannot permanently satisfy the love needs of marriage. The sexual union of a husband and wife ought to be a symbol and expression of their complete love, trust and self-giving to each other.
The existence of physical differences enables the mates to benefit and supplement each other in many ways. Marriage is founded on the differences which add to mutual attraction. Without these differences life would be shorn of the romance of courtship, and the joys of family experience. Because of them, married lovers are able to charm and delight each other in many endearments of daily life.
At the same time their differences in emotional nature require understanding. The comparatively steady nature of the husband's emotional life makes it all more necessary that he understand the ebb and flow of his wife's vitality, from the periods when she is less vigorous physically but unusually sensitive emotionally, to the times when superlatively full of life she longs for fullest renewal of romance. The wife should not expect her husband to share her moods fully, but taking him as he is, she should be delicately skilful in stimulating and appropriating his manly impulses of love. With such an understanding the mates will be friends and partners of the closest and dearest kind, and more. The something more is expressed in the sex relationship.
Sex in marriage is not merely a physical pleasure but an expression of pleasure in marriage itself. However it is not, as some have seemed to think, the only key to marital happiness.' Marriage is a union of personalities and the sex relationship is an expression and a symbol of that union. Harmony in personal relations aids physical harmony, and vice versa.
Formerly some held that only men were strongly sexed. A better understanding reveals that while individuals differ greatly the sexual needs of women are as real as those of men although different. The fact that the sex impulse is more easily aroused in men, and that in some cases it is never fully awakened in women, has misled many about woman's nature, but the wife who is normal in this respect may congratulate herself that she is not lacking in one of the endowments of a complete personality. She can the more perfectly give and receive full happiness in marriage and can experience a harmony with her husband that will strengthen their union.
The powerful natural energy of sex becomes an aid in marriage when both mates maintain their attractiveness for each other, and when they understand how to use their marital union as an expression of love and of delight in each other.
A helpful point of view about the sexes is given in the Book of Genesis, in which we have the statement that God made the race male and female. This is followed shortly by the declaration, "And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good."
A less happy idea, coming down from ancient times and still persisting in some quarters, is that the body is evil and is an impediment to the soul. This leads to an unworthy view of bodily functions, whereas respect for marriage makes it natural for us to think of marital union as an expression of love and fellowship.
This is in accord with a right understanding of the place of physical things, for they get their meaning in relation to their use. As in the piano the metal and wood, though material, are aids to the production of music, as the fingers of the artist are identified with his work, so the body is an instrument of personality, and not an impediment unless abused.
In marriage the. element of mutual respect and of regard for the sacredness of the family makes sexual union a fine and delicate means of expression of the grace of true love. When this outward expression is frustrated the excellence of the personal relationship is likely to be impaired through resulting nervous tensions. Sexual union in marriage, then, is not thought of as a duty which one mate owes to the other, but as a most intense expression of conjugal devotion.
This also is a reason why sex outside marriage defeats the aim of our complete nature, which calls not merely for an appeasement of the sex hunger, but for a satisfying and stable family life. This gift when used for love and the family builds up personality, but used irresponsibly it makes fora shallow and distorted nature, which cannot permanently satisfy the love needs of marriage. The sexual union of a husband and wife ought to be a symbol and expression of their complete love, trust and self-giving to each other.
Chapter 3: How can Money Help or Hinder? 5. Overcoming Insecurity
As we wish our own families to be secure let us also cherish the same ideal for all other families, and recognize that national success requires that all worthy persons shall have a chance to be self-supporting.
Families that are in financial straits should not give up hope, nor lose their sense of dignity. Those who have love are rich in spite of all material limitations. Such people can laugh at a degree of misfortune that might wreck others less firmly grounded, and if defeated temporarily they can start again with united strength.
This does not mean, however, that we look upon inadequate incomes with any degree of allowance, for the lack of work and of a living wage handicaps homemaking efforts and makes it harder for some to take their full place in community life. In a time of world turmoil every well-managed home counts on the side of security and peace and homes either deprived of economic security or failing to achieve it through their own carelessness are likely to add to the forces of unrest.
Both as homemakers and as citizens let us keep the main aims in mind, and realize that economic resources exist to meet human needs. In a great and intelligent civilization richly blessed with natural resources the material aids to a good life ought to be within the reach of all. Let the home-builder be also a civilization-builder by contributing to a neighborly and democratic philosophy of life, so that no one will want too much and no family need be in want.
Families that are in financial straits should not give up hope, nor lose their sense of dignity. Those who have love are rich in spite of all material limitations. Such people can laugh at a degree of misfortune that might wreck others less firmly grounded, and if defeated temporarily they can start again with united strength.
This does not mean, however, that we look upon inadequate incomes with any degree of allowance, for the lack of work and of a living wage handicaps homemaking efforts and makes it harder for some to take their full place in community life. In a time of world turmoil every well-managed home counts on the side of security and peace and homes either deprived of economic security or failing to achieve it through their own carelessness are likely to add to the forces of unrest.
Both as homemakers and as citizens let us keep the main aims in mind, and realize that economic resources exist to meet human needs. In a great and intelligent civilization richly blessed with natural resources the material aids to a good life ought to be within the reach of all. Let the home-builder be also a civilization-builder by contributing to a neighborly and democratic philosophy of life, so that no one will want too much and no family need be in want.
Chapter 3: How can Money Help or Hinder? 4. The Budget: A Plan for Spending
Most families will have to get into the habit of holding their purchases up to careful scrutiny, asking such questions as: Do we need this? Does it fit into our scheme of living? Or will the purchase of this throw our spending out of balance and make it impossible for one or both to have things which we need even more?
Such questions will call for a plan of spending, a budget to show where money goes and how far it will reach. Such a plan is a help in buying wisely and keeping out of debt. Some insurance companies and banks have budget books and pamphlets showing how a family should use its income and how its members may make economies without sacrificing welfare. These are well worth having for their help in planning the family expenditures, but any ready-made scheme must be adapted to the particular case.
In a general plan distinguish between needs and mere wants, and take care of needs first. Make allowance for the type of income; whether a fixed amount, or the fluctuating returns of many lines of business and some professions. Where the amount per month varies, budgeting will be more difficult, but expenditures should be on a scale allowing for possible shrinkage. There should also be some provision for expenses that no one can foresee.
When both are earning it is well to set the standard of living as close to the husband's income as possible, because the wife's earnings may be interrupted by the coming of children, at which times there will also be extra expenses. It is better if possible to put the wife's earnings into a fund for children and their education, or for the purchase of a home, or for saving. If the family starts out on a budget absorbing the entire earnings of both, they may have to lower their standard at a time when it will be difficult. Remember that the total income is to be used over a period of years for the greatest good of the family, including parents and children.
Debt is an added load, easy to acquire and hard to pay. Beware of borrowing, and do not assume obligations that are likely to strain the family, because they are likely also to result in loss.
The couple starting out may well think of their needs under the following headings: Housing; Furniture and Equipment; Food; Clothing; Running Expenses; Health; Improvement; Savings.
Housing. Housing should be determined by comfort and general adaptability to the family's needs. The rent should not be more than one-fourth of the total budget, although in many cities rents are such that the proportion for this item may have to be increased.
If a house is purchased or built, it should not ordinarily cost more than the family's income for two years, for it is not wise for any family to load itself with a burden of debt which may enslave them to interest and other payments. Whether the house is owned or rented, care should be used in keeping it in as good condition as possible.
The outward things of the home should minister to the inner values. Restful furniture with good light and a well chosen color scheme provides a good start. Add loving looks and zestful cooperation to combine outward and inward things in harmony.
A simple rule for getting twice as much value for the money we pay is to have twice as good a time in the home. We get our home values not from the way things look outwardly but from the way we feel inwardly. A man does not want to have things painfully in place, nor would a child want to live in a house so unruffled that he could never play at home nor have a pillow fight with his parents. The house exists for the family, and not the family for the house; therefore, it should be a help and not a burden. It should be a place of fellowship and joy.
There are great satisfactions in owning a home, but also real risks. The city family on a small income should consider whether the work situation is dependable or whether there is a likelihood of transfer to some other place. It is to be hoped, however, that greater economic security for all families may become possible so that those families which desire homes of their own may have them. Young homemakers should be on the watch for opportunities to aid sound movements for better housing.
Furniture and Equipment. In the past some young couples have overloaded themselves by purchasing a houseful of furniture on credit. Then in times of stress they have had to give up the furniture and have lost all that they had paid on it. It is better to begin simply, if necessary, and to buy a few articles at a time. Moreover, every young couple by looking around can find a few pieces at little expense. Sometimes good furniture has been stored away, so that occasionally a real find may be brought out and refinished for the new home. This is fun for the homemakers and gives the satisfaction of saving. At the same time it rescues some fine pieces from oblivion and puts them to good use.
When the family sets out to buy furniture or equipment the members should be guided by their own needs rather than by sales pressure. They should also buy from reliable concerns, because there are many things which look good but really are not. Where there are cooperative stores the family should find out about the benefits of membership.
One's home is primarily a place to live in and not for show. There is little comfort in having costly things if there are worries attached to them. On the other hand, those who have money to spend may well use some of it in beautifying their homes. The reading of one or two good books on interior decoration may make an almost unbelievable difference in the attractiveness of a home and, at the same time, involve little or no extra expense.
Food. Almost any family, with care in buying and preparation of food, may be well nourished on a fraction of what thoughtless spenders might use. Both as a homemaker and a hostess the woman who can prepare tasty dishes is prized. Though many young women in these days marry without much experience, the bride should not remain inefficient in these matters. She should study the art of preparing simple and favorite dishes unusually well and serving them in an atmosphere of good cheer, for such meals prepared at home provide a better foundation of health as well as a substantial saving. To assure the latter, however, the family must avoid waste. The housewife who wishes to buy most wisely should get the government reports based on scientific studies on diet and health which offer suggestions for families of various sizes and on different levels, such as "a liberal diet," "an adequate diet at moderate cost" and "an adequate diet at minimum cost."
The family of limited means should keep away from expensive places and avoid extravagant entertaining. They should know that fruits, vegetables and fish are cheaper and also better when they are in season, and that it is well worth while to find out which meats are the best buys at any particular time. The housewife who is a skilful buyer can make the food dollars go much farther.
Clothing. Care in buying clothing and keeping it in condition will enable the family to look well on a moderate expenditure, while with carelessness they are not likely to look well on any amount. "A stitch in time saves nine," and the nine are not only laborious but costly. The habit of folding, brushing and hanging up clothing and of keeping shoes in good condition will result in saving, because the wearing apparel will look well as long as it lasts and will not need to be replaced so quickly. True style is a matter of dressing carefully in a way that fits one's individuality rather than being too much dominated by mere caprice of fashion. A good appearance is a matter of knowledge and study issuing in good taste.
Running Expenses. Running expenses include such things as heat, light, gas and service. A well managed household is one in which electricity, gas and water are not wasted, and the heating plant is regulated properly. Little savings in these matters are worthy of attention, for running expenses will run away with the budget if not watched. When necessary, outside service can be dispensed with almost entirely, for it is better to do one's own work than to run into debt to pay the cleaning woman or the handy man.
Health. The best medicines are air, water and sunshine, and the best safeguard of health is exercise. For many this comes naturally with work. Others, whose daily program is a sedentary one, should plan carefully for good times together which will also give exercise. Games, hikes, swimming, tennis and such things are more fun than high priced recreation, and at the same time they are wonderful for the health.
In addition to the health benefits provided by nature every family will need the care of the family doctor and of the dentist on occasion. When you need a physician get a reliable one. Prevention is better than cure. Regular visits to the dentist give better results and cost less than neglect of the teeth. Also the family should investigate the group plans for hospital service on the basis of small regular payments, such as the Blue Cross Plan.
There are a number of "don'ts" in the health world. Don't get the habit of depending on the drug store for health. Most of the money spent on patent medicines is wasted if not actually detrimental. Don't waste money on quacks, and don't depend upon mere tricks for keeping up mental and spiritual health. Let health grow out of wholesome adjustments to life.
Don't jeopardize health and happiness by alcoholic drinks. A recent report has indicated that with the increase of drinking there has been a striking increase of uninsurability of men under thirty due to alcoholic causation. A person. who for this cause is not even insurable is not so likely to be a success as a marriage partner. Alcohol has ruined countless homes. Shakespeare commented on the fact that men will put an enemy into their mouths to steal away their brains. Strange it is that people will take into their homes an enemy that steals away the happiness of so many. People who feel that they simply must follow any custom which others set will need to get down to more basic thinking if they are to make the best kind of a home.
Improvement. Improvement as an item in the budget means that the family needs to spend money for books, magazines, music, entertainment, and vacations, as well as for education of children. Under this heading also come the support of the church and such philanthropic enterprises as particularly appeal to a studied interest. Whether the income is large or small it is desirable to study how it can be used to gain the greatest amount of real benefit, and to consider how the use of money can be harmonized with the greater satisfactions that wealth cannot buy.
A certain broadening of interests results from giving even a little. Contact with great causes opens up new areas of the finest fellowship, educates the family in sympathy and increases its grasp of world affairs.
Saving. With employment and efficiency, the husband and wife ought to have a plan for saying. It has been found that families which do not live up to the full extent of their income but save some small part at least, make a greater success of their family life. It is well, if possible, to have an account at the bank held jointly. The family ought also to have the protection of insurance with some carefully chosen company, with policies representing about twice the annual income for the protection of the wife, and when children come about twice the annual income for each child. Premiums should be paid for on an annual, or quarterly basis, since policies for which weekly payments are made are much more expensive in proportion. Saving and insurance add to family stability. Small savings added together can become substantial. When these are to be invested beware of get-rich-quick schemes and get the advice of your banker.
A plan for saving will be possible for the ordinary couple only when they guard against loading the financial canoe with a mass of things bought on "easy payments." Sometimes, without reckoning carefully the sum of them, young people assume more obligations than they can carry. To live within one's income is a satisfaction: to live beyond it endangers not only credit but also the rock foundation of personal freedom. Moreover, saving and paying cash for things which we really need makes possible a considerable increase in the number of real needs that we can satisfy. Installment buying is usually very expensive business, and buying things that have no real value for us is sheer folly.
Such questions will call for a plan of spending, a budget to show where money goes and how far it will reach. Such a plan is a help in buying wisely and keeping out of debt. Some insurance companies and banks have budget books and pamphlets showing how a family should use its income and how its members may make economies without sacrificing welfare. These are well worth having for their help in planning the family expenditures, but any ready-made scheme must be adapted to the particular case.
In a general plan distinguish between needs and mere wants, and take care of needs first. Make allowance for the type of income; whether a fixed amount, or the fluctuating returns of many lines of business and some professions. Where the amount per month varies, budgeting will be more difficult, but expenditures should be on a scale allowing for possible shrinkage. There should also be some provision for expenses that no one can foresee.
When both are earning it is well to set the standard of living as close to the husband's income as possible, because the wife's earnings may be interrupted by the coming of children, at which times there will also be extra expenses. It is better if possible to put the wife's earnings into a fund for children and their education, or for the purchase of a home, or for saving. If the family starts out on a budget absorbing the entire earnings of both, they may have to lower their standard at a time when it will be difficult. Remember that the total income is to be used over a period of years for the greatest good of the family, including parents and children.
Debt is an added load, easy to acquire and hard to pay. Beware of borrowing, and do not assume obligations that are likely to strain the family, because they are likely also to result in loss.
The couple starting out may well think of their needs under the following headings: Housing; Furniture and Equipment; Food; Clothing; Running Expenses; Health; Improvement; Savings.
Housing. Housing should be determined by comfort and general adaptability to the family's needs. The rent should not be more than one-fourth of the total budget, although in many cities rents are such that the proportion for this item may have to be increased.
If a house is purchased or built, it should not ordinarily cost more than the family's income for two years, for it is not wise for any family to load itself with a burden of debt which may enslave them to interest and other payments. Whether the house is owned or rented, care should be used in keeping it in as good condition as possible.
The outward things of the home should minister to the inner values. Restful furniture with good light and a well chosen color scheme provides a good start. Add loving looks and zestful cooperation to combine outward and inward things in harmony.
A simple rule for getting twice as much value for the money we pay is to have twice as good a time in the home. We get our home values not from the way things look outwardly but from the way we feel inwardly. A man does not want to have things painfully in place, nor would a child want to live in a house so unruffled that he could never play at home nor have a pillow fight with his parents. The house exists for the family, and not the family for the house; therefore, it should be a help and not a burden. It should be a place of fellowship and joy.
There are great satisfactions in owning a home, but also real risks. The city family on a small income should consider whether the work situation is dependable or whether there is a likelihood of transfer to some other place. It is to be hoped, however, that greater economic security for all families may become possible so that those families which desire homes of their own may have them. Young homemakers should be on the watch for opportunities to aid sound movements for better housing.
Furniture and Equipment. In the past some young couples have overloaded themselves by purchasing a houseful of furniture on credit. Then in times of stress they have had to give up the furniture and have lost all that they had paid on it. It is better to begin simply, if necessary, and to buy a few articles at a time. Moreover, every young couple by looking around can find a few pieces at little expense. Sometimes good furniture has been stored away, so that occasionally a real find may be brought out and refinished for the new home. This is fun for the homemakers and gives the satisfaction of saving. At the same time it rescues some fine pieces from oblivion and puts them to good use.
When the family sets out to buy furniture or equipment the members should be guided by their own needs rather than by sales pressure. They should also buy from reliable concerns, because there are many things which look good but really are not. Where there are cooperative stores the family should find out about the benefits of membership.
One's home is primarily a place to live in and not for show. There is little comfort in having costly things if there are worries attached to them. On the other hand, those who have money to spend may well use some of it in beautifying their homes. The reading of one or two good books on interior decoration may make an almost unbelievable difference in the attractiveness of a home and, at the same time, involve little or no extra expense.
Food. Almost any family, with care in buying and preparation of food, may be well nourished on a fraction of what thoughtless spenders might use. Both as a homemaker and a hostess the woman who can prepare tasty dishes is prized. Though many young women in these days marry without much experience, the bride should not remain inefficient in these matters. She should study the art of preparing simple and favorite dishes unusually well and serving them in an atmosphere of good cheer, for such meals prepared at home provide a better foundation of health as well as a substantial saving. To assure the latter, however, the family must avoid waste. The housewife who wishes to buy most wisely should get the government reports based on scientific studies on diet and health which offer suggestions for families of various sizes and on different levels, such as "a liberal diet," "an adequate diet at moderate cost" and "an adequate diet at minimum cost."
The family of limited means should keep away from expensive places and avoid extravagant entertaining. They should know that fruits, vegetables and fish are cheaper and also better when they are in season, and that it is well worth while to find out which meats are the best buys at any particular time. The housewife who is a skilful buyer can make the food dollars go much farther.
Clothing. Care in buying clothing and keeping it in condition will enable the family to look well on a moderate expenditure, while with carelessness they are not likely to look well on any amount. "A stitch in time saves nine," and the nine are not only laborious but costly. The habit of folding, brushing and hanging up clothing and of keeping shoes in good condition will result in saving, because the wearing apparel will look well as long as it lasts and will not need to be replaced so quickly. True style is a matter of dressing carefully in a way that fits one's individuality rather than being too much dominated by mere caprice of fashion. A good appearance is a matter of knowledge and study issuing in good taste.
Running Expenses. Running expenses include such things as heat, light, gas and service. A well managed household is one in which electricity, gas and water are not wasted, and the heating plant is regulated properly. Little savings in these matters are worthy of attention, for running expenses will run away with the budget if not watched. When necessary, outside service can be dispensed with almost entirely, for it is better to do one's own work than to run into debt to pay the cleaning woman or the handy man.
Health. The best medicines are air, water and sunshine, and the best safeguard of health is exercise. For many this comes naturally with work. Others, whose daily program is a sedentary one, should plan carefully for good times together which will also give exercise. Games, hikes, swimming, tennis and such things are more fun than high priced recreation, and at the same time they are wonderful for the health.
In addition to the health benefits provided by nature every family will need the care of the family doctor and of the dentist on occasion. When you need a physician get a reliable one. Prevention is better than cure. Regular visits to the dentist give better results and cost less than neglect of the teeth. Also the family should investigate the group plans for hospital service on the basis of small regular payments, such as the Blue Cross Plan.
There are a number of "don'ts" in the health world. Don't get the habit of depending on the drug store for health. Most of the money spent on patent medicines is wasted if not actually detrimental. Don't waste money on quacks, and don't depend upon mere tricks for keeping up mental and spiritual health. Let health grow out of wholesome adjustments to life.
Don't jeopardize health and happiness by alcoholic drinks. A recent report has indicated that with the increase of drinking there has been a striking increase of uninsurability of men under thirty due to alcoholic causation. A person. who for this cause is not even insurable is not so likely to be a success as a marriage partner. Alcohol has ruined countless homes. Shakespeare commented on the fact that men will put an enemy into their mouths to steal away their brains. Strange it is that people will take into their homes an enemy that steals away the happiness of so many. People who feel that they simply must follow any custom which others set will need to get down to more basic thinking if they are to make the best kind of a home.
Improvement. Improvement as an item in the budget means that the family needs to spend money for books, magazines, music, entertainment, and vacations, as well as for education of children. Under this heading also come the support of the church and such philanthropic enterprises as particularly appeal to a studied interest. Whether the income is large or small it is desirable to study how it can be used to gain the greatest amount of real benefit, and to consider how the use of money can be harmonized with the greater satisfactions that wealth cannot buy.
A certain broadening of interests results from giving even a little. Contact with great causes opens up new areas of the finest fellowship, educates the family in sympathy and increases its grasp of world affairs.
Saving. With employment and efficiency, the husband and wife ought to have a plan for saying. It has been found that families which do not live up to the full extent of their income but save some small part at least, make a greater success of their family life. It is well, if possible, to have an account at the bank held jointly. The family ought also to have the protection of insurance with some carefully chosen company, with policies representing about twice the annual income for the protection of the wife, and when children come about twice the annual income for each child. Premiums should be paid for on an annual, or quarterly basis, since policies for which weekly payments are made are much more expensive in proportion. Saving and insurance add to family stability. Small savings added together can become substantial. When these are to be invested beware of get-rich-quick schemes and get the advice of your banker.
A plan for saving will be possible for the ordinary couple only when they guard against loading the financial canoe with a mass of things bought on "easy payments." Sometimes, without reckoning carefully the sum of them, young people assume more obligations than they can carry. To live within one's income is a satisfaction: to live beyond it endangers not only credit but also the rock foundation of personal freedom. Moreover, saving and paying cash for things which we really need makes possible a considerable increase in the number of real needs that we can satisfy. Installment buying is usually very expensive business, and buying things that have no real value for us is sheer folly.
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