Chapter 1: What Marriage Means 3. Relationships with Family, Friends and the Community

Not only are the individuals united in marriage, but each becomes in a sense a member of the other's family also, and so each should cultivate the best relationships with the family of the other. The bride or groom should not try to draw the mate too far from his original group, for, though married, each needs the old loyalties; and many of the memories and associations of the first home are woven into the very fibre of one's being. These, to be sure, now take second place to the new relationship.

The danger of undue emotional dependence on parents has been pointed out by many. It is to be realized also that severing earlier ties too drastically takes something from the joy of life. Fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters and other dear ones still mean much to persons entering marriage. As the husband and wife create new domestic foundations for their lives, their ties to their childhood homes will still remain, but in a changed form.

If any of the in-laws are at first unfriendly, the married person should enter upon a campaign of patient good will and acts of friendliness which will in time break down any barriers that have been set up.

It is helpful if both can have a sense of enjoying their friendships together. No person will like all members of a mate's social groups equally, but when a husband or wife disapproves of some friends of the other, it is better to speak appreciative words about friends who are liked than to criticize those who are not. As far as possible the married person should learn to accept the partner's friendship world and to share his own. At the same time each should recognize the occasional value of some friendships which may not be shared. Keeping old friends and making new ones will create a circle of cordiality and warmth about the family and will broaden the interests of the home. Old friends of one become new friends of the other, and every well managed marriage enlarges the circle of comradeship. Ina growing union of life the two will think not of "your crowd" and "my crowd" but of "our crowd," not "your family and my family," but "our families."

The family should move in groups which stand for the best things, and should take responsibility for building around them the sort of world that is desirable as a setting for homes and an environment for children.

Happy is the family
Whose house is much frequented
By persons of loyalty and worth,
Whose step across the threshold,
Brings gladness to the heart,
And whose kindly words
Are like a blessing on the home.
Their wisdom is freely given,
Their talents are shared,
Their strength is a support and stay,
And they give the wealth of themselves.
Their gifts of mind and spirit
Lend atmosphere to the home.
And they extend the horizon
By a new point of view.
The memory of their presence
Is like sunshine in the air,
And they are ever welcome,
Like the light of the evening star.


Having paid our tribute to the importance of friends and family connections in their proper place, let us also recognize that it is desirable for young people to set up a home for themselves wherever possible. A relative is usually better as an occasional visitor than as a member of the household. There are exceptions, of course, but this rule is doubly true of any in-law who would seek to interfere in the affairs of the new home. While the old loyalties are important the new one is supreme, and it is not fair to allow any person, however dear, to "edge in" between husband and wife. Before marriage these two persons were primarily son and daughter in their parental homes. Now they are primarily husband and wife in their new home. This is a precious value that should be safeguarded.

The cultivation of supreme loyalty within the home, of neighborliness with other families and good citizenship in the community gives family life its true significance and provides for a good set of relationships for the married pair.