Chapter 1: What Marriage Means 1. Creating and Sharing Happiness

Although a wedding is a happy and a sacred event it is significant mainly as a promise of what is to be.

Marriage as a vital reality in our inner being is not something that can be performed for us, but a unity which we must work out for ourselves. It gets its meaning from what we put into it, and it calls for the creation of a new plan of living for two who thus unify their lives. Therefore, it is a creative venture which can be as fine as we make it.

A minister can perform the ceremony, and on occasion can give inspiration and guidance of incalculable value to those who are starting out together, but the real process of unity must be begun, continued and perfected by the two who are most concerned. The distinction between the wedding and the real marriage was grasped by a young man of very limited means who, in speaking of his forthcoming marriage said that it would not be much of a wedding but a wonderful marriage.

That love has inspired great music, art and literature has often been pointed out. More cheering for most of us is the fact that it is the spring of vitality and of joy in the countless lives of everyday people.

As there are many things to learn about marriage and few persons have been educated for this art in any adequate way, the husband and wife must take the attitude of learners, finding out gradually how to live together at their best. As they do this they will experience not only the anticipated joys and responsibilities of home life, but also from time to time pleasant surprises.

Since we bring to marriage all that we have and all that we are, and stake our happiness on its success, we should learn to give wholesome expression to all impulses that make for physical, mental, social and spiritual well-being. In married living the various types of personal needs should be brought into harmonious relationship.

When people are successful in marriage they learn the art of living at their best. In an atmosphere of love they see new excellences in each other. In the strength of such a relationship the husband and wife have the opportunity of growing together into the best that is possible for them and of finding their highest happiness together. A person who succeeds in marriage is a real success in life although he may fail in many other things, while any other success with hardly comfort one who makes a failure at the heart of his life.

The young man and woman who are entering marriage will ask such questions as the following: How can we keep love on a high level and at the same time on a practical plane? How can we be our best in the home? How can we build a shared happiness based on the quality of our life and somewhat independent of outward events and circumstances? How in a world of uncertainty can we find a certainty of love and trust for each other? The greatest scientific discoveries in the world are less important for them than the discovery of answers to the questions that arise in their marriage.

Working on sound principles many have found a permanent experience even more rewarding than they had anticipated. This can come to almost any couple who will seek it in the right way. It is worth striving for at all costs.

Alice Freeman Palmer, who had been dean of women at the University of Chicago, in a letter to a friend wrote about her marriage in these words: "I don't know what will happen if life goes on growing so much better and brighter each year. How does your cup manage to hold so much? Mine is running over, and I keep getting larger cups." The number of people who find marriage a glorious thing is large enough to encourage us all, yet the secret of most complete comradeship is missed by some really fine people who might have succeeded and still may.

In a venture requiring delicate adjustments, it is necessary that there should be mutual understanding and a common purpose. Is there anything that deserves more careful attention than the harmony and success of the home? Other plans may fail without wrecking happiness, but one's marriage is intimately a part of one's self.

While devotion is of the essence of a good marriage, understanding also is needed to keep things at their best. In marriage as in any other great undertaking we must face the question, "Do I understand how to make good in this relationship?"

Success comes when character, wholeheartedness and mutual understanding reinforce one another in a blending of personalities. As musical notes in right combination produce harmony, while the same notes inharmoniously arranged give nothing but discord, so the elements of human nature and personality in the family may be adjusted in pleasing relationships, but if they are not so adjusted, even those persons who might be most happy may make each other miserable. Marriage is truly a duet in this respect and the two performers will have just what they create, whether of harmony or of discord. When therefore two persons who play together in the duet of matrimony find some discords in their playing, it indicates not that they should stop the music but that they need to learn to be better players.

The self-centred person tests all things by the question, "Am I getting in marriage the happiness which I deserve?" And yet it is unfair to raise that question without an accompanying one: "Am I giving in marriage the best that it is possible for me to give?" Two persons thinking of each other's happiness will find themselves sharing a rich store of durable satisfactions.

An important part of our reward in marriage, as in life, is gained indirectly. The mature and unselfish person finds satisfaction in knowing that others receive joy through him, while the selfish and undeveloped person thinks mainly of himself and is thus handicapped in marriage.

Two persons who love each other can enrich their common life by building up a wealth of pleasant associations through good times together, delicate forms of endearment, little courtesies in the home, shared enthusiasms, tasks accomplished together, mutual help in difficulty and a hundred daily experiences of love and mutual confidence.

Out of such material each can create a pleasant and trustworthy world of happiness for the other; for the reality that we seek in marriage, as in life, is not merely something that we find but something which we create.